{"id":32803,"date":"2022-10-13T12:46:37","date_gmt":"2022-10-13T12:46:37","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wsbj.com\/sorabji\/?p=32803"},"modified":"2022-10-14T18:38:29","modified_gmt":"2022-10-14T22:38:29","slug":"morning-10","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/wsbj.com\/sorabji\/2022\/10\/13\/morning-10.html","title":{"rendered":"Morning"},"content":{"rendered":"
\n

She was there. I was there. Her smile radiated from across the room. She seemed to be by herself. I could have said something, but I did not. I wanted to look consistent in my comings and goings. And honestly, I didn’t feel very good, or articulate.<\/p>\n

I feel like a bad person. Bad. Someone not needed, not wanted. Why am I here, at this job? I questioned it from day 1. I needed proof that I am employable. Evidence. I show up, never late. I wanted to talk to New York, to hear its sadnesses and idiosyncrasies. I think I’ve heard enough. One more complaint about a tree stump and I shall become a tree myself, a newly planted shrub.<\/p>\n

I am going to keep distracting myself with the woman of the moment.<\/p>\n

Cut myself shaving twice today. Didn’t think I was being aggressive. Was appreciating the erotica of a certain broadcast, grinding but not fucking. They whisper quietly in a language I don’t understand. Their love seems real, and her spread legs are like a slow-moving volcano.<\/p>\n

I communicated some with another woman I’ve watched for a long time. She seems real. She talks to some men. Romances and encounters of some sort seem genuinely to have happened. I think of pornographers strictly as performers, not consumers of the product they peddle or seemingly solicit. They perform. We watch. But now and again I encounter evidence that they treat their platform as one would a traditional dating site, or app.<\/p>\n

I should stay away from that sort of thing, though. I need happy and adjusted. I need happy.<\/p>\n

Wish I had something to say. Anything. I made an artsy video last night, “The Texter”. I doubt anyone will see it.<\/p>\n

The woman I like to look at, or who I least think I like to look at, has returned my glances a couple of times today. I can see the thoughts. The impossibility. The cultural differences and challenges they present. Her family would not like or welcome a white guy. I get a sense she is very strict, too. Hard to know without asking.<\/p>\n

It is Thursday. Said to be the busiest day here but with most people working at once it seems not so relentless. I should take a deep breath and try to make this fun again. But I am gaining weight, losing money, and playing games with blood pressure and anxiety meds that probably cause more troubles than they could ever fake fix.<\/p>\n

I used to release anxiety by masturbating in the bathroom but the stairs to get to that bathroom have become a chore. I’d like a job where I get my hands on things. Maybe a professional masturbator of other men? I could orchestrate the masturbating of America.<\/p>\n

The Masturbating of America. Isn’t that what quarantine amounted to for many people?<\/p>\n

There was another woman here I thought I had a thing for. Skinny, rangy, twitchy. She would wave at me, enthusiastically. But that gesture, which I interpreted as a certain indication of lustful hunger, was just a thing they do around here, and at other offices I’m sure. Strangers to the end but not below sharing a friendly hello to foster a false sense of team building.<\/p>\n

I am yawning and feeling impatient. I don’t know if oversight here understands what I do that is so bad, and wrong. I follow up on the cammers. I get to know them, as well as one can from the discrete distance of public information and social media.<\/p>\n

I may have made a connection with one irritable and angry caller. I think he follows me on Twitter. We had a gruff, ugly encounter on the phone, when he asked me to look up something like a Directory of Hospitals. I suggested 411 and he went ballistic, saying he could not deal with the bastards at 411. Clearly a troubled dude, but from his Twitter postings he has a thing for payphones. I forgot to check if he follows me.<\/p>\n

I don’t know how many of these connections have been made, among myself and people who know of me, or I know of them. That might have been one such connection.<\/p>\n

I don’t try to make friends here anymore.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

She was there. I was there. Her smile radiated from across the room. She seemed to be by herself. I could have said something, but I did not. I wanted to look consistent in my comings and goings. And honestly, I didn’t feel very good, or articulate. I feel like a bad person. Bad. Someone […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_et_pb_use_builder":"","_et_pb_old_content":"","_et_gb_content_width":"","_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2},"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[29],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-32803","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-text","et-doesnt-have-format-content","et_post_format-et-post-format-standard"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/paumAn-8x5","jetpack-related-posts":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/wsbj.com\/sorabji\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/32803","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/wsbj.com\/sorabji\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/wsbj.com\/sorabji\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wsbj.com\/sorabji\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wsbj.com\/sorabji\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=32803"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/wsbj.com\/sorabji\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/32803\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":32818,"href":"https:\/\/wsbj.com\/sorabji\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/32803\/revisions\/32818"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/wsbj.com\/sorabji\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=32803"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wsbj.com\/sorabji\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=32803"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wsbj.com\/sorabji\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=32803"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}