{"id":32881,"date":"2022-10-21T12:49:48","date_gmt":"2022-10-21T12:49:48","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wsbj.com\/sorabji\/?p=32881"},"modified":"2022-11-23T16:59:48","modified_gmt":"2022-11-23T20:59:48","slug":"every-day-2","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/wsbj.com\/sorabji\/2022\/10\/21\/every-day-2.html","title":{"rendered":"Every day"},"content":{"rendered":"
\n

\u00a0I don’t know why I keep at this. This job. Another week, another month, another sense of structure that seductively makes me feel valued when I know I am not. I savor the free water. It is so good. Best water ever. Free use of toilets and toilet paper for the ritual wiping of my ass. I mentioned anal hygiene to a friend the other night. He just laughed and laughed. He is gay and perhaps knows far more about keeping it clean than I. I don’t know but the simple act of blasting water up my ass for 30 seconds of my day has changed the way I sit. I didn’t need a fancy bidet or anything European to make it seem like a good thing for me. Just a simple blast of water up the butt. Between the free water and the buttwipes I don’t know how I could question this place for its paradisical entreaties. Who would want to leave here?<\/p>\n

I remain puzzled by the abrasion on my left arm. Has my ability to commit self-harm resumed? Did it ever go away?<\/p>\n

Watched some shower cam last night. The quantity is not as endless as I like to imagine. I don’t know why I default to thinking that way, that my accumulations of material are so vast and unnavigable that I will drown underneath them before making the simplest bit of sense out of it all.<\/p>\n

How common is it for a man to watch himself masturbate on live video? When live pornographers simply don’t cut it I turn to myself, an ultimate act of self-absorption? Maybe that’s being judgmental. Self-containment? Self-satisfaction? That can’t be. My mental energies are almost entirely spent wishing I was making someone else happy with all this sexual energy. But I don’t regret being alone. I don’t suffer from monophobia, though I may have in the past.<\/p>\n

I have a habit of drinking from an empty cup. It happens repeatedly. The cup is small and I finish its contents quickly. But I want more. I am left drinking air.<\/p>\n

I should probably get Covid tested. Anticipating a new dalliance this weekend makes the task seem fair. Nobody is getting the latest booster, it seems, and word is only the most vulnerable need bother. I’ll get it anyway. I think I can get a half day off work for it. Or I could get a whole week off for testing positive. I never tested positive but I had it early in the days of March and April 2020. No vaccines and you had to be coughing up a lung to qualify for testing. Now I have the antibody to show for it.<\/p>\n

Don’t know my plans for tonight but I might try to see the woman again. Fridays are weird for me since I work Saturdays. I feel her calling me, though. Calling for me.<\/p>\n

I am sitting in a different part of the office this week, not seeing the woman I like to look at nor am I hearing the woman whose voice sounds like a fucking air raid siren. Not really hearing anybody.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

\u00a0I don’t know why I keep at this. This job. Another week, another month, another sense of structure that seductively makes me feel valued when I know I am not. I savor the free water. It is so good. Best water ever. Free use of toilets and toilet paper for the ritual wiping of my […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_et_pb_use_builder":"","_et_pb_old_content":"","_et_gb_content_width":"","_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2},"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[29],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-32881","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-text","et-doesnt-have-format-content","et_post_format-et-post-format-standard"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/paumAn-8yl","jetpack-related-posts":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/wsbj.com\/sorabji\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/32881","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/wsbj.com\/sorabji\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/wsbj.com\/sorabji\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wsbj.com\/sorabji\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wsbj.com\/sorabji\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=32881"}],"version-history":[{"count":3,"href":"https:\/\/wsbj.com\/sorabji\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/32881\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":33093,"href":"https:\/\/wsbj.com\/sorabji\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/32881\/revisions\/33093"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/wsbj.com\/sorabji\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=32881"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wsbj.com\/sorabji\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=32881"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wsbj.com\/sorabji\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=32881"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}