{"id":32906,"date":"2022-10-27T12:56:17","date_gmt":"2022-10-27T12:56:17","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wsbj.com\/sorabji\/?p=32906"},"modified":"2023-09-03T09:04:35","modified_gmt":"2023-09-03T13:04:35","slug":"how-to-interpret","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/wsbj.com\/sorabji\/2022\/10\/27\/how-to-interpret.html","title":{"rendered":"How to interpret"},"content":{"rendered":"
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I don’t know if there is anything to interpret from last night’s non-encounter. I sat at the front, she made a beeline to the back, where she enmeshed herself between two men, greeting them with embraces and kisses. It prompted the bartender to comment on why he never got such a robust welcome.<\/p>\n

Making it all about me, or at least entertaining this scenario from the possibility that she is interested in me, I have to ask if she was being inordinately affectionate to try and tell me something, that she is affectionate and open.<\/p>\n

I think<\/em> she started to wave hello at me but when she sensed I was not responding or not connecting her gesture to me she stopped. She was as far away as possible, almost.<\/p>\n

The men she was with did not seem to be enthralled by her. One of them conspicuously (to me) looked away from her. The other dude seemed perfunctorily interested. Yes, I studied the situation. I may have a couple of days off next week when I could create more opportunities to interact with her.<\/p>\n

She really looked beautiful. A radiant smile and face. I don’t know where she was coming from but well-dressed and full of laughter. That’s a thing for me: Ability to laugh. Not everyone can do that, and not everyone is even aware of its unusualness.<\/p>\n

I am back at this job again. I don’t know why. Checking in, checking out as if any day could be my last.<\/p>\n

I talked to the doctor yesterday. I feel like a liar for not saying more about the drinking but I do say in the interviews that I drink 2 beers and some vodka every single day. I don’t know if his thinking goes toward questioning if my anxieties are due to alcohol withdrawal. He doesn’t know I had the ER stay for alcohol abuse. But that was different. I was drinking to kill myself in those days.<\/p>\n

My BP yesterday was perfect, though. 128\/78, I think. Could always be lower…<\/p>\n

I reduced today’s Lorazapam from 2mg to 1.5mg. So far so good. I went with 1mg a couple of weeks ago and it felt tense at times. I was in sketchy neighborhoods at times and I encountered Danny, an old friend who is now full-bore homeless. He was scary. Without that 1mg of anxiety med I might have blacked out, but with only<\/em> that 1mg I came close to doing that. A full 2mg would have set me up better to deal with that moment.<\/p>\n

What happens now if I quit drinking? How will the body react after this back and forth, squashing the anxiety with a fistful of BP and anxiety meds. Does that really make it go away for real? I wake with a racing heartbeaT, THOUGH TODAY IT SEEMED TO SLOW.i TRIED A MENTAL TECHNIQUE i DON’T KNOW WHERE i LEARNED OF, IN WHICH i BREATH IN THROUGH MY FINGERS AND EXHALE THROUGH MY FEET.<\/p>\n

Bah, not going to go back and fix that all-caps. Maybe later. But it’s a technique that works for me. Gets me back to sleep and slow the heartpounding.<\/p>\n

Morning Mas was sloppy and intense but ended with no J. First time in weeks, even months. One thing I do far less when I quit drinking is the Mas. Less nervous energy, I guess.<\/p>\n

Sometimes I think I should let others here know who I am. My background. My perception that taking this job was a kind of performance art. But I cannot do that. When I leave I want everyone to remember me as one who they would have never guessed would be capable of something like this.<\/p>\n

Man, I drink a lot of water. I felt like butt much of yesterday until I ingested water water water.<\/p>\n

Yesterday is first in weeks when I did not go anywhere. No epic bus rides or Queens strambles. Goal is to take the Q44 from Jamaica to the Bronx Zoo. That looks like a beautiful, interesting ride.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

I don’t know if there is anything to interpret from last night’s non-encounter. I sat at the front, she made a beeline to the back, where she enmeshed herself between two men, greeting them with embraces and kisses. It prompted the bartender to comment on why he never got such a robust welcome. Making it […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_et_pb_use_builder":"","_et_pb_old_content":"","_et_gb_content_width":"","_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_feature_clip_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2},"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[29],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-32906","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-text","et-doesnt-have-format-content","et_post_format-et-post-format-standard"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/paumAn-8yK","jetpack-related-posts":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/wsbj.com\/sorabji\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/32906","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/wsbj.com\/sorabji\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/wsbj.com\/sorabji\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wsbj.com\/sorabji\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wsbj.com\/sorabji\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=32906"}],"version-history":[{"count":4,"href":"https:\/\/wsbj.com\/sorabji\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/32906\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":34702,"href":"https:\/\/wsbj.com\/sorabji\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/32906\/revisions\/34702"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/wsbj.com\/sorabji\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=32906"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wsbj.com\/sorabji\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=32906"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wsbj.com\/sorabji\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=32906"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}