{"id":33033,"date":"2022-11-17T13:57:29","date_gmt":"2022-11-17T13:57:29","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wsbj.com\/sorabji\/?p=33033"},"modified":"2022-11-23T15:53:15","modified_gmt":"2022-11-23T19:53:15","slug":"surprised-to-be-alive","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/wsbj.com\/sorabji\/2022\/11\/17\/surprised-to-be-alive.html","title":{"rendered":"Surprised to be alive"},"content":{"rendered":"
\n

I don’t know how smartly I am handling the concoctions, the cocktails of blood pressure and anxiety meds in cahoots with the drinking. Last night I felt chest pressure. Not pain, exactly. But discomfort. It eased on its own, before washing it with beers and vodka.<\/p>\n

I wanted to go to the bar, but I chickened out. I circled, swooped, observed from outside. The woman I think I am interested in was not there. I think my interest in her is possibly misguided. She has a lot of stuff going on but somehow remains single. No bias or anything but she seems like quite a catch.<\/p>\n

I took a full 2mg of Lorazapam today. Just 1mg yesterday. That may have contributed to the weirdness. I considered the emergency room. But when you work you just can’t go away for 3 days.<\/p>\n

I’m so special. Right? I’m different from the rest. Worth keeping around no matter what.<\/p>\n

Am I even alive? Sentient? In control of my actions and emotions? I barely feel the shirt touching my body.<\/p>\n

Thanksgiving is soon and I do not even care.<\/p>\n

I might have to hurt somebody. Hurt somebody.<\/p>\n

The romance between the cashier and me is over, it seems.<\/p>\n

There is a woman who who would likely never guess that I have fantasies about her. Mostly soft, traditional, laughing and fucking and being alive. But those fantasies give way to sadness, the abrupt drainage of passions turned to vomit. I think she is older than me but not certain.<\/p>\n

I also take the beta blocker pill at night now. I never used to do that. But the bottle says twice daily, so… It’s just that I’m loaded up on booze at night.<\/p>\n

Want my old life back. When can I have it back?\u00a0 I like it here. Love it, even. But I want my old life back.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

I don’t know how smartly I am handling the concoctions, the cocktails of blood pressure and anxiety meds in cahoots with the drinking. Last night I felt chest pressure. Not pain, exactly. But discomfort. It eased on its own, before washing it with beers and vodka. I wanted to go to the bar, but I […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_et_pb_use_builder":"","_et_pb_old_content":"","_et_gb_content_width":"","_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2},"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[29],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-33033","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-text","et-doesnt-have-format-content","et_post_format-et-post-format-standard"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/paumAn-8AN","jetpack-related-posts":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/wsbj.com\/sorabji\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/33033","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/wsbj.com\/sorabji\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/wsbj.com\/sorabji\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wsbj.com\/sorabji\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wsbj.com\/sorabji\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=33033"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/wsbj.com\/sorabji\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/33033\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":33067,"href":"https:\/\/wsbj.com\/sorabji\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/33033\/revisions\/33067"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/wsbj.com\/sorabji\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=33033"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wsbj.com\/sorabji\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=33033"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wsbj.com\/sorabji\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=33033"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}