I don’t know why, or if I read about it somewhere, but I decided to try showering in complete darkness. Door shut, and when I shower around 5am there is minimal to no light coming through the small opaque window with a scrap of black curtain in front of it. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
The concept of TOTAL darkness, of course, is not attainable under civilian circumstances. That would be utter darkness that swallows the human soul and takes its body along for dessert. I was not aspiring to tickle that sensation or emulate the experience of disintegrating into a non-returnable state of dark matter.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I just wanted to see if it changed anything. At first I felt my innards a little more than before. Or so I thought. In time it just became an annoying jumble of fumbling around, making sure I dispensed shampoo and not lube to wash my hair because the two bottles feel very similar. The only light I had was from the camer recording all this, a blinking red and blue that seemed to respond to my movements.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I did keep the full lighting on for entering and exiting the shower. That seemed like a reasonable safety measure. I also kept the light on to be sure I took the morning batch of meds I have to take now. A visual confirmation that all the pills left the lid from which I deliver them to my mouth seems reasonable. But from the shower I can turn off the light with an otherwise stupid “smart” app that can turn the light off or on from anywhere on the planet, but I choose to do it from 5 or 6 feet away because it is easier than standing up.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I shower sitting. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
I sower shitting.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I found myself repeatedly tapping the screen of my phone, which sits on the neighboring sink, just to get some quantity of soft light in the space. Darkness is overkill. But I do keep my eyes closed much of the time. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
I don’t run water on my face much. Less than 1% of the time, I would estimate. The shower head spends most of its time warming the back of my neck, from whence warmth seems to most efficiently spread to the rest of my body. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
The water supply has always been unpredictable with respect to heat. Turn the dial a full 2 inches toward hot and nothing will happen. But turn it an additional fraction of an inch and it scalds. Unlike most men (or so I’ve read) I wash all the way down to the extremest extremities, and I scrub clean behind my ears. The former should prevent foot fungus, the latter is said to prevent certain kinds of acne or skin conditions on the face.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
The shower is as close as I come to meditating. I don’t have the peace of mind to fully do that, but the shower is where I feel most alone, and the the most safe. I have had moments where I swore a light turned on in a room outside the shower, and I imagined I was about to be intruded upon at my most vulnerable state. I would be dragged from the shower and masturbated by strangers with weapons and blades to torment and torture me, not because these marauders arrived with sadistic intent but because I have no possessions worth stealing so they had to make their arrival look like it had some pre-planned purpose. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
It is cold in this room. The warmth I spread throughout my external wrapper and which seemed to penetrate to my internals has been squandered. I need to go to the other side of the place and eat some triscuits, and maybe even go out for coffee.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I just yawned like a Serengeti Lion. <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
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