{"id":44929,"date":"2024-08-03T08:37:56","date_gmt":"2024-08-03T12:37:56","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wsbj.com\/sorabji\/2024\/08\/03\/talk-to-white.html"},"modified":"2024-08-03T08:40:27","modified_gmt":"2024-08-03T12:40:27","slug":"talk-to-white","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/wsbj.com\/sorabji\/2024\/08\/03\/talk-to-white.html","title":{"rendered":"Talk to white"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

Last night I confronted something which, were it not for the anxiety and BP meds I now take, would have sent my mind into white. White is what fills my head and vision when confronted with anxiety-producing situations, such as someone who will not stop talking. There was basically no escape, me and another individual on a mostly empty subway car in rush hour Manhattan. We found the trick to getting from lower Manhattan to Astoria during rush hour on a train where seats are abundant and the A\/C always works. It adds 10-15 minutes over other routes but I’m starting to think that’s  worth it. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

But I don’t care about that. The situation last night pitted me against an individual who is, fortunately, perfectly decent and kind, but who simply cannot stop talking. Any time I took a breath to try and respond to or ask a question about something he said he’d turn on a dime and change the subject without even stopping to breathe. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

We work at the same company so there’s common ground there but fuckall if I had even a chance in hell of engaging in actual conversation with this person. I could feel my head cream up with the whiteness, but it didn’t get to my vision, as it would have without the meds keeping my anxieties in check. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

I like this alternative route for going home but I don’t need it going in to work in the AM. There is escalator and elevator access to compensate for a little bit longer walking.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I get to have sex again tonight. It’s been a couple of weeks, I think, which b elieve it or not is long enough for me to feel rusty. I might stay 2 nights instead of the usual one. She has already reached a point where she does not want to come to my place. It’s far, subways are unreliable, and it’s a hot, hot summer to be making what feel like very long walks to and from the subways. So I go to her place. This is par for my course in terms of being vulnerable to abusive relationships. On top of her not coming to me I purchased an expensive air conditioner at her strong encouragement so my bedroom would be cooler and more accommodating to sweat-free sex. She’s been over only once since I made the expensive-to-me purchase. Now I fear what the energy bill will be, as even without her presence I go ahead and run the a\/c overnight, because who wouldn’t in this heat… I also consider that I’ve been generating hundreds of images with my home brew desktop install of Stable Diffusion. Will that jack my energy bill up to the stratosphere? Will find out soon enough, I guess.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I like this picture of me from last night. I sent it to her and she apprppoved.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

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Last night I confronted something which, were it not for the anxiety and BP meds I now take, would have sent my mind into white. White is what fills my head and vision when confronted with anxiety-producing situations, such as someone who will not stop talking. There was basically no escape, me and another individual […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":44931,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_et_pb_use_builder":"","_et_pb_old_content":"","_et_gb_content_width":"","_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_feature_clip_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2},"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[29],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-44929","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-text","et-has-post-format-content","et_post_format-et-post-format-standard"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/wsbj.com\/sorabji\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/08\/20240802_201235.jpg?fit=1868%2C2089&ssl=1","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/paumAn-bGF","jetpack-related-posts":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/wsbj.com\/sorabji\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/44929","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/wsbj.com\/sorabji\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/wsbj.com\/sorabji\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wsbj.com\/sorabji\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wsbj.com\/sorabji\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=44929"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/wsbj.com\/sorabji\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/44929\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":44932,"href":"https:\/\/wsbj.com\/sorabji\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/44929\/revisions\/44932"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wsbj.com\/sorabji\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/44931"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/wsbj.com\/sorabji\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=44929"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wsbj.com\/sorabji\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=44929"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wsbj.com\/sorabji\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=44929"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}