Megatouch at Hammacher Schlemmer

This blurry cameraphone picture shows a Megatouch Gametime system I saw a few months ago at the Hammacher Schlemmer Store on 57th Street. I am an occasional Megatouch addict, binging on BoxDrop, PhotoHunt, and WordDojo, games which I OWN in terms of high scores. I have been part of no small number of friendly rivalries involving those and other Megatouch games but for the most part I OWN THEM ALL BWAHAHAHAHAAAA!!!

This Megatouch console caught my attention partly because it appeared that anyone could walk into Hammacher Schlemmer and play it for free. I am not lame enough to exploit such an opportunity by camping out and inviting my buddies to do the same — Hey, PhotoHunt marathon at Hammacher Schlemmer, c’mon boys, it’s free! — but I played a round of WordDojo on the store’s dime.

Apparently there is a secret to Word Dojo, a certain Lantern Trick which allows you to play infinitely. Is it real? I don’t know, but I saw what appeared to be this technique in action on a video sharing site. Even if I remembered how to do it I would never regress to such childishness. My high score on WordDojo is something over 1,270,000. While there are higher legitimate scores in the world I see that those who implement the fabled Lantern Trick trounce all with scores of 100,000,000 and more. To hell with ’em!

Megatouch games are found at bars, restaurants, and arcades, and the set’s best-known game is probably Erotic Photo Hunt, a what’s-the-difference matching game utilizing the skankiest porn ever produced for its material. It’s a great bar game but a G-Rated version exists as well. If you’ve never seen it before the PhotoHunt game is pretty addicting, and unlike other games on the Megatouch there seems to be no full equal for it on a desktop PC. The difference is the touchscreen interface. I know tablet PCs and other devices allow for touchscreen interaction but even if I could conjure that functionality on this desktop I would not want to use it to punch at this tender, fleshy LCD screen when such gestures might ruin it. The Megatouches are designed for that very kind of abuse.

The cost of this console — $4,000 — is ridiculous. That price might make sense if one expected to use the set in a money-making environment, but even at that it would take a long time to get a return on the investment, and unless you know your Linux operating system (on which the Megatouch operates) you could find yourself shelling out more coin for maintenance and support. Most places that have Megatouches lease the equipment, or do a straight revenue-share with Merit Industries (manufacturer of Megatouch) and/or their middleman.

$4,000 for an at-home, private use copy of a Megatouch console is out of control for two reasons. One is that the games are simply not that good, and in fact they are patently primitive compared to far cheaper games. The other is that a good portion of the fun in these games is the competition against fellow bar-flies and game room cronies. The primitiveness of the games’ graphics are less of a problem when the good fun of competition compensates for it. The Megatouch has no apparent capacity for network play so a set like this in your living room comes with a built-in dead end that beheads a good portion of its enjoyment. And while the literature for this product says it contains 130 games many of them are simply variations or even complete copies of other games on the system — those copies differing mostly in graphical presentation.

This Megatouch-for-$4,000 bogosity provoked some disillusionment in Hammacher Schlemmer. For most of my life when I got a Hammacher Schlemmer catalogue I flipped through it knowing that while I would not be able to afford anything in it I could nevertheless feel confident that the “professors” at the Hammacher Schlemmer Institute think-tank had thoroughly researched the best gifts to be found in various categories.

I say, do your own research, and you’ll find that sometimes they get it right, other times they are wildly off base.

The same day I spotted this Megatouch I saw that Hammacher Schlemmer had chosen a particular digital piano as the best of the best among today’s products in that category. Believe me, I know what I am talking about when I say with confidence that the piano they had on display — it was a freakin’ CASIO! — was just a toy, far from the best in its class and farther still from the best value for digital pianos of today.

I agree with them, though, that Cuisinart makes the best Thermal Carafe Coffee Maker, so I would not say they get everything wrong. But between the ridiculous price for the crippled Megatouch and the P.O.S. digital piano they hailed as the best of the best I started to question the authority of the vaunted Hammacher Schlemmer. With an abundance of “expert” resources available Hammacher Schlemmer has a tougher row to hoe than they did 15 years ago. I think that the place would do well to just ignore more electronics in their catalogues.

Still, I like to let myself believe what Hammacher Schlemmer tells me. I may be a fool for it but I allow the same sense of surrender that let me believe Paul Harvey always told the truth.

Megatouch’s main competitor in this space is the iTouch, produced by JVL. iTouch consoles contain many games virtually identical to those on the Megatouch. Around here it seems you’ll find iTouch sets more often than Megatouches. My favorite JVL game is Getta Line, for which I have not found a satisfactory equivalent on the desktop PC. I wonder how the copyright police feel about JVL’s use of the iTouch name?

I am done talking about this. Maybe I will update this rant later. Here is a recent photo proving my OWNERSHIP of the Getta Line game at a local place.