One full word filled my waking mind today: VITUPERATIVE. Could not shake that word. Knowing not what it meant I tried to analyze it but I had nothing on these word-pieces. It sounded unpleasant, and when apprised of its meaning...

I’m still wearing a winter jacket in this month of June. It makes sense for  early and late in the day, not so much the remaining bulk of hours. A small inconvenience, or ritual, to remember this garment. I stuff it in a...

Since welcoming the avocado into my diet it’s become a challenge to find edible portions. At the supermarket I spotted a woman squeezing one avocado after another, on a display of probably 100 avocadø. Her experience was...

I was looking for her. I saw her. She saw me. We saw each other, as she stepped up the staircase at 57th Street and I remained seated in the front car of the R train. I usually see her in that car but this day I guess she...

I’d been working on it for a long time already but audio quality was too unpredictable and annoying. I finally went in for a cheap but well-reviewed noise-cancelling headset that does not look too weird to wear in public....

I don’t like writing like this on company time but there is nothing happening here today, and no one pays attention to me anyway. I speak when spoken to, which is not often. I’m not happy with my life anymore....

The Great Saunter, as I recently learned of its existence, would not interest me. I do harbor a goal of walking the perimeter of Manhattan but no way would I desire the company of 3500 other people. I would do it alone or with a...

I had given up on Stable Diffusion for a bit. I’d generated enough rough drafts to keep a college of artists busy for centuries. But there were also technical absurdities. Upgrading Pinokio came with a curious feature: It...

I don’t think Old Spice has been in my life since college. But on account of the once-beloved MITCH Heavy Hitter 2-in-1 Shampoo and Condition no longer being a viable option I had to find an alternative, and it seems Old...

Don’t know why but some days I feel fidgety and restless for part of the AM. I think it’s when I take 2mg of Lorazepam instead of the usual 1mg. Too much of it reacts badly, or weirdly. I overheard a woman at the...

Someone asked me how I get to work. I chose the path of most detail, most explanation, most retentiveness. The routes are not always the same but today it was the N from Broadway to Lexington, where there is a magical wind...

It started getting light, as in daylight, earlier so quickly that I start to feel like I am late even when I’m 20 minutes earlier than my usual 20 minutes early. It is daylight on the return home, too, which was not the...

I try to avoid shitting at the workplace. I just did it, and part of the reason I avoid it transpired. I was intruded  upon. No, no one actually opened the door and entered the stall. But someone entered the mens room as I was...

Saw her on the R again today. First time in weeks. She used to look alert, lively, active. Any time I see her now she is slouched, hoodie-covered, nearly-asleep or only pretending. Our only connection is occasional eye contact....

Early AM commutes on the MTA are not usually as stressful as yesterday. Today was easier but only because I adapted to the ever-changing, never-ending series of lies and gaslighting that the MTA app and website spit out furing...

After we reconnected I looked for an image she had sent me, or that I had sent her. It doesn’t matter the direction in which it was passed along. We needed something to reestablish the connection using past mortar. I never...

I am speaking this post. Dictating. This used to be extremely onerous, and maybe it still is, I don’t even know. It always involved going back and basically rewriting as if from scratch.  You have to speak very carefully....

On a normally empty subway at 6:10am I was suddenly surrounded by people, 20-25 of them, mostly silent save for one woman I quickly assumed to be the troupe leader announce “We get off after Canal Street.” No words...

There is a woman I’ve been interested in for a long time. She lives on the block, and has lived there for probably 8 or 9 years. I think she is 40 or so. By turns I think she is beautiful, then I think she looks like a...

That is how I woke up. My face and head pressed against a wall, darkness, sheets and blankets felt unfamiliar. “Where am I?” I whispered, half-expecting a woman’s voice to answer. It’s been like this a...

She looks different every day now. I don’t ever recognize her at first. Instead of her previously lively countenance and engaged seeming mind she is sleepy and crumpled beneath a hoodie and a different jacket every day. I...

On the R train today. She was half-asleep, covered by her hoodie such that I was not certain it was her. Hands exposed, I can’t help questioning what it meant that she had a ring, a rock no less, and that the rock has...

I don’t know if it’s true. Did I get what I wanted out of yesterday’s encounter? It was just a passing. I walk past her house almost any day it is reasonable for me to do so. It is exactly along my daily paths,...

At a 7/11 on Church Street I stood and briefly stared upon the hot dog grill, where the grill thingies turn and heat the hot dogs evenly. Or so it seems. As I stood there a fellow gently shoved me aside, not intrusively, in fact...

The loss of an hour’s sleep could be a bad moment or it might not matter, since I’m not sure what happened. Did I sleep better than expected? I don’t know, I wasn’t monitoring the situation. I was...

Last week, at this job, the computer at which I sat somehow disconnected from the Internet. It made me realize that virtually every move we make at this place is connected to the Internet, relies on a working Internet...

I am still unsure what difference it makes that the past several months have seen me going to work and returning from work in the darkness of the early moening and the darkness of the evening. The last few days, suddenly it...

Today I might find out if this woman is for real. Or I might not. It’s about the chocolate. I’ve been giving her a square of Lindt dark chocolate most days the past couple of weeks. Last time we parted ways she asked...

Since pandemic-time I’ve been doing surveys for the City’s Health Department. It’s not about the gift cards. They are worth $10 a pop making my time worth about 50¢ a minute, or $30/hour. The surveys take far...

What does it even mean? Is not everyone essential to something that is essential to everything? Roads were plowed and passable. Sidewalks not so much. I think I id see one police vehicle and some sidewalk-plowing contraptions....

Storm of the century, for all times, end-times, apocalyptica sandwiches free for all who don’t want to die hungry. Made of gravity and rain the sandwiches go down like butter on the brain, then rise up with aspirational...

I learned last week that one of my high school ENglish teachers died last month. After years of Alzheimers and dementia he finally gave in. I didn’t see his age included in any of the writeups but he would have probably...

Something unintentionally weird and even eerie happened last night. I was mucking around with AI video creation when I found a picture of me as an infant, taking my first steps, or what I have been led to believe were my first...

I guess I forgot how much faster the 4/5 trains are compared to waiting 10 minutes for the R. The reason for the wait had been the possible connection to be made with a woman I’d noticed some months ago. We definitely made...

My first day at the job after 10 days away. That’s the longest I’ve been away from here in the 4 years since I started in January, 2022. I tried to get a few things done but mostly I wasted these past 10 days the way...

It’s true. I think it took over 100 ounces of Drano and similar products but the beast is finally relaxed again. Water flows. Will it last? I never do preventative maintenance of this stuff. I usually end up facing...

My place of peace and joy had become a bit of a hassle. An inconvenience. Drain stopped up and no amount of Drano can open it. But then, today, it seemed like something lifted. It was a confusing event, today’s...

A few weeks ago I had a chance to flex my Queens street grid knowledge for the benefit of a passing stranger. On 33rd Street heading north a man ina large SUV stopped at the crub and held his phone up to my face. I briefly...

The day before yesterday I was in Greenpoint for a bit when I spotted something new-to-me. A B62 bus with the headline of “ASTORIA.” I knew of this change, having followed the year-long Queens bus route redesign...

PH. Poets House. In high school PH was short for Penance Hall, where pretty much everybody ended up at some point. I don’t remember what I did to deserve it but I seem to remember it was nothing, just an angry, insecure...

In the beginning is the end, the end is never over. Conditions demote, demote, demote you again, leaving you with nothing more than your human person. The bucket of bones and water you never asked to be part of, never had a say...

Science says we don’t know why people dream. I say why even question it? It’s a miraclespace in its ways, turning anyone’s head into a surrealist hellspace of strength, saga, and sassafrass-stromboli. Sometimes...

Since yesterday I’ve felt a rotting inside. I should not have revisited memories of that woman. She woke up things inside of me I never knew were there. Most of it was not good. What rots inside me should stay rotted and...

I feel peaceful. Why is this? Peace is not my pretense or pretend. Meds, maybe, but there is nothing new there. Not being at work. Is not everything work? Diurnal ablutions. Shitting. Masturbating. It’s all a job, work to be...

Still puzzling over the lack of apostrophe but I’ll let it go. The apostrophe is the crowbar of punctuation, intent on prying words apart when the silence of its absence creates more temperature. Getting here is a bit of a...

Sitting at work, unsure if anyone but I will show up today. It is cold in here. Thinking about the large dead seagull mentioned in a previous posting here. What impact is that beast having on people who encounter it. People saw...

…but why? Why let this place consume/occupy any more of my time than it already does. Why ask a question like that and deliberately leave off the question mark, as if the question answers itself. It’s logistics. I...

I intended and expected to sleep through it but fireworks or firecrackers or whatever the noise was made midnight a wake up call. It was fine. New Years is my favorite holiday. It’s possibly the only non-controversial...

Transit was unexpectedly on schedule today. I got in early. THis hasn’t happened in weeks. Discovered yesterday that the Brookville Place connects a lot further than I knew, over to the future site of WTC 5. Starting from...

There was a kid from my youth who enters my mind almost every single day. I barely knew him, but everyone knew he had the perfect hair. It was not always that way. He was not born with it. He worked on it. For a year. Throughout...

Felt herded today, and I liked it. Almost 4 years into this and I still find that having a regular job is still fun, still kind of a novelty. I don’t feel especially valued or upwardly-mobile in terms of ever rising from...

It is a warm, quiet place on a cold, windy day. This is a place I thought had closed down long ago and forever. I also remember it being in a different location, around Canal Street. This is at 10 River Terrace, where I chose a...

Yesterday was supposed to be my planned day of idleness, of sitting here at this desk pecking out thoughts and making plans for future days. No real agenda or declaration, just time not walking 18000 steps whilst accomplishing...

Yesterday felt like the most productive day I’ve had at this job, even as what was done had nothing to do with the job. I hesitate mightily in doing anything of my own interests while here. Conflict of interest rules are...

It started with a perfectly unneeded and meaningless doctor visit, followed by a long stramble up and down Queens Boulevard from Elmhurst through Rego Park and almost all the way to Forest Hills. In the end I felt like a...

Certain time of the day, when there is nothing going on, my innards get agitated, jumpy. Can’t sit still. Want to masturbate, and sometimes I do, though not at the desk, of course. Reading a lot of mininformation about the...

For the record, this is no record. When I’m gone the fate of this web empire will likely follow the same path as my predecessors who left websites behind with no ongoing means of payment. This will disappear. Squatters...

I saw her again on the train today, first time in probably three weeks. She recognized. She looked twice, then a third time as she exited the train at 57th Street and Seventh Avenue. She seems tough, and rugged, and today she...

Maybe i already talked about this elsewhere. If I did I think it was in a walk-and-talk recording that was too poor in audio quality to use. Whenever I bite into my morning Bartlett Pear I briefly remember the horny girlfriend...

Hearing myself be angry is an ugly, visceral, viscous experience. What happened was I lost my phone. It didn’t disappear. I just couldn’t find it. I thought it had slipped away and under the couch, which at the time...

I don’t live. I coast. I skim. I slip and slide and black out at times. When I go deep it’s for the sake of ugliness. Self-concern. I hear my anger some nights. Neighbors probably do as well. That’s unavoidable...

I’m thinking I came close to getting mugged a couple of days ago. It was election day. A holiday. So certain streets were emptier than usual, including 31st Street between 47th Avenue and THomson Avenue. It involved a...

Discovered this morning that a once puzzling pair of socks my mother gifted to me could actually be just what I need for a planned bucket list excursion. I want to walk the perimeter of Manhattan, from Sutton Place back to...

I never got to ask her one question that had lingered in my cobwebbed mind for years. It’s just as well. It does not matter. It was a meaningless bit of kismet, but evidence of no grand scheme or plot. It regards the woman...

I voted a couple of days ago. For however many years I’ve voted I never encountered a glitch of any kind, as best I can recall. This time was different. There were two sheets. I filled the ovals perfectly, like a true SAT...

Debating if I want to call out sick tomorrow. Both mental and physical health in question. Nothing I need or want to do with a spare day. Weekend commute is getting tedious and tiresome. Trains appear on schedule on the MTA app....