a day of directionlessness is nothing new for me, but lately the squalls of lostness have a vacant urgency to them. how many times will i wander under the BQE, listening to that gothic sound of a particularly rickety place in that structure? how many rambles around calvary cemetery, taking pictures of tombstones intending to look up the names on the Internet, but rarely doing so. i look for unusual or unusually-spelled names — not Smith or Lynch but Kellington or Jourdan. Once in a while I look up the names and rarely do I find someone’s NY Times Obit, or a passing mention in a civil war chronicle, or some other passing mention in a so-called “primary source” which has endured the sometimes unfortunate legacy of being a draft of written history. how many times will i ramble the unassuming byways of astoria/long island city (I call it AsLIC, but not in polite conversation).
I have hit a schism of sorts the past few weeks. Nothing is going right. Every success is so much more work than it used to be. And so many problems and setbacks are not even within my control. If a web project ends in failure (as it often has these past weeks) then I can barely find distraction in other things, which provide seemingly infinite opportunity for even deeper aggravation and failure. It might seem trivial or inane, but when all things seem to be spiraling into a toilet then it is unspeakably aggravating when the door falls off the oven, as happened last night, or when the coffee maker belches coffee onto the counter, as happened repeatedly 2 weeks ago, until I got a new Cuisinart. Or when I woke up this morning, took a dump, and found that the toilet wouldn’t flush. O God, such aggravation, and first thing in the morning after another night in which I barely got any damn sleep i have to get to work figuring out how to flush my goddam turd (which looked quite healthy, by the way, as i contemplate getting a “procedure” done on my esophageal [sp?] sphincter for to intercept the acid reflux which causes powerful heartburn). and all this while i am, of course, going blind, as i put off and put off and put off again a trip to the retinal surgeon for to poke needles and spoons into my eyes to see where the macular degeneration symptoms are today. i took the “test” last week, in which you cover one eye and look at an Amsler Grid. it is so much worse than it used to be. so many more splotches and vagaries than a few years ago, when there should be barely any. i have issues with the retinal specialist i used to see, in no small part because i never could understand what the fuck he was saying. and he lost my Pictures, which are painful to create, with needles and spoons an injections all meted out by technicians of questionable abilities and vague backgrounds.
aha, it’s all what it is. i complain about my so-called “work” life and i start to sound like someonw who actually has a job, complainging about things out of my control, but the real difference is that unlike corporate, it is not fashionable or couth to blame someone else for shit that does not work, because there is no one to blame, really, and because blaming others does nothing to advance my “career”, i never had a “career i just had a job that served to earn moneys for to pay off student loans. but the terrain is different is all i mean.
that is all i mean.
