Note 100! Hurrah! Who cares? This text editor I use creates every new document as Note #-something, and this is the 100th, but it isn’t really the 100th note. For some reason it creates new ones which I never edit… That’s good to know, is it not? Are you not enriched and improved by this information?

Somehow I was wide awake before 10am today. And it didn’t even faze me. I’ve been up after noontime for months now, maybe even years, but the last couple of days it’s been different. I have, on few occasions hte last few years, woken up around 8am… but the prospect of facing the day was deadening. it seemed les slike opportunity and more like drudgery to get through those extra hours, and this without even having a plan of what, exactly, to do.

what to do? do do dooooo. the things we do, the acst we perform, the expressions which lock upon our faces as we shower, as we fiddle with the remote control, as we navigate the Internet and react to sounds from the world outside. the ephemera of existence. the pleasures of life but groan across my consciousness, they crumble and thry rumble as muddy thunder through my murky, recalcitrant innards.

Of late I have inexplicable energy to exhaust. burned an hour outside shooting photos on the film SLR. i discovered that most of my film expieres in a few months, and i should burn through it soon. i may wait a while before getting it developed… the mystery of forgetting what’s in ythe camera and on the film is still rich to me. i browse through a lot of my digital photos with some frequency, but the film photos not so much.

i think i got a masterpiece today. three giant towers with ladder steps leading from the ground all the way to the top, probably 100 feet or higher. a crisp climb for the initiated, a tummy-turner just to think about it for the rest.

there were three of those towers connected at the top by wires. telephone wires? electrical wires? i don’t know what but they were WIRES.

shooting film enforces selectiveness. i don’t know if it leads to better shots, but compared to digital the quality of film photos, to me, more closely resembles the way human beings see things. digital is hyper-real, mega-real, mega-pixelated to the speck-of-dust level of digital hyper-reality.

does not digitization hyperventilate everything it subsumes? even rebellion has become easy, with nonsensicalities going “viral” just as a casual fancy. rebellion and organization used to be deliberate, time-consuming and (by my estimate) the substance and quality of the rebellion was the better for it.

what will happen when human consciousness becomes digitized? Everything about our days, all the face-tightening difficulties will either evaporate or become exponentially worse. Who can say which way the rapidly-accelerating pendulum of consciousness will swing, and how intensely?

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Oh, I practiced that Schubert again today. It sounded pathetic. The passage I thought I had practiced so well and into submission today sounded like flatulence from the fingertips. I was tired. My brain was melting. I have other excuses if you need them.

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i brought the Ipod along today. i don’t listen to that thing much, and today i saw again why it’s kind of dangerous to obliviate the reality around you with loud musicc. i listened in on Rawsthorne’s piano concerto, which is a ballsy affair.

I was thinking about how I lost my passion for discovering more and more piano music, and more and more obscure piano music at that. Nothing is obscure any more. The only thing sparse these days is sparsity itself. In the days of expensive CDs and un-re-released LPs the quest for unknown music was a hearty challenge. Today that challenge is an annoyance. That is, if you can’t find something, it is not tantalizing or emboldening. t is just annoying, and suspect that even the most industrious humans of our time just give up and assume there is no answer to their question if it does not appear on page 1 of a search engine results page.

i guess i gave up on the world of obscure pino music when it ceased to be obscure. all of it. what fun is discovery if there’s no discovery left?

and what was the point of all that discovery? i mean, was it meant to fortify? to improve? was it meant to lay a foundation or be a self-gratifying end unto itself? should i resent the evaporation of the obscure or herald it? i am a selfish asshole so i do a little of both, lamenting the hours wasted on research, hours that seem wasted now …. had i only waited 2 decades to perform that research it would have taken minutes, not weeks. but would the results have been more, or less, satisfying? would the quest have been more, or less, exciting?

I DON’T FUCKING KNOW.

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