– How resistant is your forehead to potato chip attacks?
= I don’t know, where can I test for this?
– There’s a chamber on 13th Street, they charge $4 for the test.
= Do I have to refrain from eating or drinking anything before I go?
– You cannot watch any Looney Tunes or Merry Melodies cartoons for 48 hours before your test.
= That is heartbreaking. It’s like I am losing a stuffed animal.
– I have a stuffed animal you can have. It’s a monkey.
= That’s OK. I can go to the test without your monkey.
– There is a trick to entering the chamber.
= Rock and roll music?
– How did you know?
= I just remembered that I heard about this testing chamber on TV news. They said that you have to answer three questions about rock and roll music before they will test you.
– Do you know the questions?
= No. Do you?
– I know that a religious activist once claimed rock and roll was invented in Miami by subterranean forces.
= That is not true at all.
– I know. But maybe they will ask you about that. If they ask you where rock and roll was invented say it rose up from sewers of Miami.
= What if they ask me if Chubby Checker sang “The Twist”?
– Tell them Chubby Checker was a whoring vampire who campaigned against equal rights for grade school teachers.
= Will they ask me if Elvis Presley was a Melungeon?
– They might. If they ask you if Elvis Presley was a Melungeon then tell them that Abraham Lincoln had non-working stopwatches in his family tree.
= What will the third question be?
– They will want to know if you are familiar with radio stations broadcast from today into the 10th century.
= I am very familiar with the practice. Henry Kisisnger’s eulogy for Richard Nixon has been broadcast to 10th and 11th century popes for a few years now. Certain episodes of the Dennis Miller radio show are also broadcast to the time of Christ, followed by Rush Limbaugh airing at agricultural facilities of the 3rd and 4th centuries.
– But what about the rock and roll?
= Since 2002 the Z-100 radio station in New York has been broadcast continuously to Native American tribes of the 15th and 16th centuries, and a pirate station playing Elvis Presley’s covers of Beatles songs airs to deep sea creatures of the 11th century.
– You should pass the screening questions with no problem.
= I am confident of it.