Yesterday’s meetup with David had me feeling unexpectedly positive. i usually come away from those meetups feeling better than i did before but something about yesterday was different. it’s not because he’s leaving town, of course. hah. It’s just thaat I made a true and lasting friend. As i told him a few months ago, he was not what i expected. From his e-mnail I got a sense he was a bitter fuck. But in person it’s obvious he has a good head on his shoulders, and has worked hard to better himself and work with (not against) his emotional problems. It’s inspirational, in a similar way that the occasional correspondence with the Italian woman is uplifting. I told her that I am nothing more than little boy inside, and she concurred. But she did not do what a lot of folks would do and use that diagnosis against me, or turn it into a negative. She focused on the positive fact that such a guileless innocence is the perfect workshop for creative thinking. I concur, but would not have thought of that myself.

Going to quit drinking for a while. in the past I entered into sobriety with a feeling of dread, or anticipated boredom. What to do with that 3-4 hour window of time normally spent drinking? Alas, there is plenty to do. Too much to do, in fact, which has been part of my work/life balance problem and part of what has led me to drink. I’m overextended in my web stuff and want badly to just leave it behind, pursuing a livelihood that has nothing to do with slinging web pages and chasing keywords. It shouldn’t be impossible for me, and I am fortunate to have limited financial responsibilities.

But a paying roommate really would make my life incredibly easier to deal with these days.

Sometimes I forget that I am a free person. I can do whatever I want, and making a living shouldn’t be the half of it. Any time I consider a return to corporate I feel my brain freeze,  my gut crunch into a piece of charcoal. I don’t have children or expensive companionship that would necessitate returning to making 6 figures, so why should I? Just so I make all that I need and feel like a productive member of society. I’d also like a job working with other people just to make new friends.

Hah, I guess it’s true what I asked about myself long ago: I have so many character flaws, why can’t greed be one of them? I have always maintained that with wealth comes responsibility. If a majority of wealthy people do not live up to that responsibility that does not negate the fact that conspicuous concentrations of wealth are like cancers on our society. I advocate lack of responsibility in life. That is distinguished from irresponsibility, which I do not endorse. Lack of responsibility refers to the outsized burdens people place on themselves for no reason other than tomake themselves feel important.

David showed me his secret meditation spot. I loved it. It’s not at all a spot you would expect for meditation but it worked beautifully. I don’t know if I will replace Calvary Chapel as my place for quiet (amost too quiet) reflection but I should visit this new spot on occasion.

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