Day 2 of sobriety (like that’s heroic) and I feel way less ravenously hungry than I have in the past, when I kicked the booze for a while. I remember one time, the very first day I quit, I ate like 2 cheeseburgers and a sandwich and a bag of Doritos. Today I ate a normal amount, which is more than in the week or so previous when I could barely get anything in my mouth. After a few days even this little episode of relative binge eating will pass and I will be back to my normal aversion to food, which my mother always complained about but which has never fully left me. I get a certain high off being hungry.

Last night the electrical hiccups were few and far between but blood pressure rose after I laid down to sleep. I didn’t expect that. It was a perfect 130/80 while I sat the desk, but increased to 152/92 after I got into bed. Should have slept at the desk. It was hot and uncomfortable in the bedroom, which could have contributed to the BP. Or maybe it’s just never going to stop being a problem. I’ve gotten through this before, and came out of it feeling clean and calm again, with the same bouts of anxiety as when I was drinking. Those anxiety trips are stronger when I’ve been drinking, or so it seems.

I slept for absolute shit but that’s how it goes without booze. That would change after about 30 days, according to the my doctor’s conventional wisdom, but I’m on day 2. As I tried to stay down it felt like I was passing through different levels of consciousness, or existence. One portion of my passage through time was under a sheet of bee’s eye, while another was floating on a shallow river, flowing toward a sewer. Eventually I gave in and took another half of a benzo pill, making only 2 full pills for the last 2 days. Wait, no, it’s three days. Or is it 2? I don’t even know what fucking day it is any more (said Mark Thomas 10 years ago). I think today is day 3, and if past experiences are any clue I should go benzo-free tonight.

I’ve been sore in strange spots but I blame that on the gymnastical contortions I’ve assumed lately in my dogged pursuit of taking a bath sitting down instead of a standing shower.

I played at more Felix Blumenfeld today, and then some Ernesto Lecuona, who I consider to be the Liszt of Cuba. Between that and pacing between the piano and the computer I spent too much time getting my web and PC backup regimen back in order. Some of my shit has not been backed up for months while other stuff gets backed up every single day even when it changes not at all. The RAID was almost full but I fixed that.

I hate to say it but not drinking last night made me feel kind of sad and alone. I will be 49 soon and I am yet to get past the stage where drinking is fun, at least at first. Listening to music just makes more sense to me after a buzz. But I’ve tired of bars. They feel like bowling alleys of the soul where denizens switch roles between the bowling balls and the bowling pins they knock over. And a certain bartender I met recently who I thought I liked a lot turns out to be kind of a crank. As soon as he said he was a “proud non-voter” the mystique started to unravel.

I only ever started going to those bars for the purpose of making friends in the neighborhood. I should try other venues, lest this nice, decent, gentle person with a lot to give look forward to a lifetime of bachelordom spent spewing drivel into a .MOBI web site that goes mostly unread and unseen. I should put myself in front of people again. Live audiences, online gawkers, anyone with a genuine interest in the things I do and who might be happy to inspire and motivate. Gotta dust off my sexy radio voice and get back to that Calvary Chapel podcast. With this cold weather I should have the place to myself. It is well heated in there during the winter, at least it was last year. I have got to be able to concentrate better than I have the last few years. It doesn’t seem that long ago I was able to work long, long hours and in the course of those hours waste a lot of time but I almost always came away from that mental thrashing with some crystal of accomplishment. It’s been hard to get my mind back there. I’ve become too overwhelmed by my lack of direction and ideas for things to do.

Ah so I got two more e-mails from the NY State of Health. They have these zombie-like subject lines and are clearly automated, commanding you to “LOG INTO THE NY STATE OF HEALTH”. I was like, uh-oh, they’re gonna tell me I’m declined again, this after a real live human assured me I was fine. It was all good this time, just something about account numbers. Didn’t really read it save for its positive, calming tone.

Feeling good today! Whoot.