Word for today is TRY. This somehow came up in a dream from last night, though having recited the content of that dream twice I now can not remember how it connected. But a bar conversation a few months ago degenerated into screaming out non sequitur words and phrases, with three guys screaming far louder than I have the pipes to yell. The bartender was standing close enough to me that he could hear but the others could not. My contributions included “CONLON NANCARROW ROCKS!” and “HER HUSBAND STILL THINKS SHE’S IN THE BASEMENT!” among others. The bartender thought my non sequiturs were head and shoulders better than anyone else’s in the room, and I would have to humbly agree. Then he added “If you were louder you’d be winning this.”
Louder. If only my voice was louder. It reminded me of the third grade, when the class was playing softball and I was at bat. I hit the ball. It went pretty far. But this kid Chris was standing by watching me at bat and he asked “Do you ever try?” Implicitly or maybe explicitly amended to that question was the suggestion that if I tried just a little bit I’d knock it out of the park, or however far a third grader could hit a softball. That question has hung over me ever since it was asked. What would my life be like now had I tried harder?
But I have tried. I have committed to jobs and projects where the work clearly paid off. It’s just I’m at a place now where it doesn’t seem like any amount of work will lead to anything meaningful. But I can’t say that, can I, unless I actually TRY. The question becomes WHAT? What am I supposed to work on? I have nothing to do, and that’s a scary situation for a smart person. My mother made that comment regarding a kid I barely knew who dropped out of high school the day it was legal for him to do so. This kid was monster smart, at least academically, but had a bit of an anti-authority streak in him. He made his decision that he did not want or need to stay in school, and from that day forward it seemed all he did was sit in his bedroom, doing nothing. My mother commented that a smart person with nothing to do is a very dangerous thing. I don’t know how that kid turned out, and I wish I could remember his name. I could possibly ask the only person I know who knew that guy but it’s not so urgent a matter, and that person has ignored all my attempts at correspondence the past many years.
But LOUD had me thinking about websites, and how they don’t matter anymore unless its maker ranks as a social media “influencer” and if the website itself is not a masterfully designed work of art. Style matters as much as substance now, and I know as well as anyone that this is hardly a new trend. I remember when people on Usenet stopped clicking on links. I mean, I guess I understand why, since http links to unknown sites can lead to catastrophic pornography or virii. But still, the http link is such a fundamental unit of currency in the web world that it seemed impossible it could be avoided. The skepticism continues, as does the sanitizing of the WWW.
