Someone I almost never talk to here at work (I talk to almost nobody, now that I think of it) commented that I seemed “perky” this week. It’s strange she would notice but she has been prone to droll, overknowing comments that suggest she pays close attention to certain people around here. Mining for gossip, I guess.

I did not say it but I thought it: You’d be perky too if you knew your whole body was going to be licked tonight. I mean, we shall see. It happened once this week I don’t see why she should not happen again.

On the chat app I was joking with her about how she’d said she was “mostly oral.” I told her I’d assumed that meant endless fellatio, as had been the blessing-turned-to-curse with the doctor woman last year. 

Not quite. She’s full-everything sloppy mess awesome. Memories of Apology Pet Corner now, thinking how she licks like a dog would. 

The woman who said I seemed perky is older, probably mid-60s. I never had thoughts or fantasies about her until she mentioned the perkiness. I instantly imagined myself doing to her what the 51-year old NYPD retiree will do to me tonight. Those thoughts evaporated quickly. 

She had also commented on my haircut, which still needs to break itself in. I think the hair is what prompted her comments.

…

I made it over to the carousel of payphones today, at 77 Water. Had not been in 2 weeks. Put Payphone Radio cards on all of them, feeling like a bit of a criminal. Last time I went I vowed never to return, but really what’s the harm? If 

I said I’d stay away after the janitor there removed all 6 of my cards, probably within a minute of me placing them. I heard his voice call out at me the moment I placed the last card. I pretended not to hear, and left the premises. We had had a good chat about those phones some months earlier. In that moment I thought certain he had witnessed me placing the radio cards on the phones. Maybe I was wrong, or maybe he didn’t care at the time. 

…

I’ve been taking the meds pretty regularly at work. I used to be afraid of them. But they really work. They calm me down and get me through the day. 

I blame my fear of them on the last PCP, who was stupidly stingy in prescribing these meds. He didn’t believe anxiety existed. He was not the right doctor for me but I hung on, for what I reason I cannot even fathom.

This can be a stressful gig but with the meds the hours seem less relentless. My focus is no better, I don’t think. No worse, either.

I’m not sleeping much, at least not this week. The sex dreams since Wednesday have been insane. So the meds open this strange state of serenity while my body wants sleep. At some point in the day I yawn hard and long, like a lion.