Three years (yikes) at this job and I finally get a change of schedule that could possibly bring some sanity and balance to my so-called work/life balance. Until now my days off have been Wednesday and Sunday. Squeezing doctor and other appointments into a single weekday has been impossible for me, it seems. I don’t take a lot of time off because the fear of getting fired from this job for no good reason or for offenses I had no idea were fireable has not left me since the first days here. Talk of people taking too much time off or gaming the PTO system impressed upon me that you simply should not ask for too much time off or you risk returning to no job. I like to think I’m respected and liked here but the reality is I am nothing. I am disposable, expendable, and the absolute bottom rung of this organization. My paycheck continues to decrease, and this unexpected turn has put me into debt for the first time in 25 years. I basically always been losing money at this job and I knew the time would come when I entered into debt. I’ve not been poor like this since my 20s. In a strange way it feels exhilarating, like I’m young again and starting fresh. But it’s not really like that. I’m financially suspended by a thin string of flimsy recycled twine. No equity, no future at this company, and nowhere to go should it all come crashing down. I place rent and food first. I cut many expenses, including the eternal overpriced webserver. The new one saves me over $100 a month but I’m feeling like it is flailing in the winds in many ways. 

But let’s focus on the positive. A new beginning for me at this job, one that not only coincides with a new anxiety/anti-depressant med but also the possibility of fresh sobriety. I had not been drinking all that much but it was consistent amd no doubt contributed to some brain fog and grog. [GROG AND FOG, that’s the name of a beer or a bar.] I will likely not have time for these morning pre-work mental exhausts, but I can see fitting more time into my longer day for ranting into this little keyboard. I did that once last week and could do it again. It’s a tenuous balance for me, as I don’t like to intertwine the workplace mindspace with anything else. Work is work, you do the work, you go home, you forget about it. It is fortunate for me that this is that kind  of work.  Nothing from here bothers me and I keep the place at a safe distance with the hope of keeping it that way.