pass

that was freaky. at Queens Boulevard and Albion i seem to have lost 4 or 5
seconds of my life. i don’t know where they went, into what clutches of
obscurity that snap of time evaporated, but at least i know what happened.
this wasn’t mysterious as are other of my current health travails. it was
the heat that got me. i very nearly passed out right on the sidewalk. i’m
lucky this happened on queens boulevard, where i could catch a cab home.
something like this happened last year on the triborough bridge, and that
was flippin’ scary. in that episode i needed water badly, my throat was
closing, and i was a little bit dizzy from the heat. but the real trouble
was the need for water. and up on the triborough there is nothing for
emergency situations. no emergency telephone, no way to wave anyone down
(at least not from the upper level of the walkway).

today i was just walking, my flesh and subcutaneous inaards gorging on the
sunlight. i had no plan but as the walk progressed i chose the queens mall
as a destination. i had my Outback Steakhouse gift card handy and planned
to treat myself to a porterhouse or maybe just a cheeseburger. i had eaten
nothing, consumed almost no water, and i should count myself lucky that i
did not fully collapse on the sidewalk. i managed to slink into a payphone
enclosure for some shade, and i dumped some of my tiny bottle of water
over my head. my only real concern is that it wasn’t really that hot. if i
can’t take this then i’m not ready for any more of this cruelly-delayed
summer.

i called it in. “called it in” is my ongoing project that i
started in September. when a thought strikes or when something
happens i find the nearest payphone and call it in to a Skype voicemail.
once in a while i cheat and call it in from the cell phone, but that’s
only when i have no other option and don’t want to wait. i usually end of
calling it in again from a payphone. i’m assembling the calls into
something that i hope will be meaningful. when i started the project in
September i had in mind that i would introduce it with a long, pre-written
story about why i was doing this. i did write the story up, and i did
deliver it a few times from a particularly beloved payphone. but i’ll
never use that speech. it’s too grandiose and pretentious for the nature
of this endeavor. i’m guilty of that top-heavy advance planning in other
pursuits when it makes best sense to let things evolve on their own.

today was the 2nd cab i’ve taken in the last few weeks. those are the
first cabs i’ve hailed in years. cabbies never want to go where i need to
go and i’ve assumed the habit of letting them go about their business
without me.

but a couple of weeks ago i had a doctor’s appointment, and i
misunderstood the address of the place, landing me a couple of miles from
where i needed to be when i needed to be there. had to find a cab, and i
was surprised to find one that agreed to my demands of destination. it was
a minor confrontation to start off, with the cabbie locking the doors
before evaluating my offer, before agreeing to drive me to a certain
intersection, before deciding if that destination suited his broader plan
for the day.

i knew a cabbie for a long time, and i sympathize with those guys for how
hard and long they work and how little money they make. but if they don’t
want to take me where i want to go, as is normal, then fuck ’em. they’ll
do fine without me, i’ll do fine as well, and everyone’s happy.

today i didn’t have to get through that little layer of illegal
bureaucracy. i just got in and announced my home address, prepared to
threaten the driver if he refused. i was that fucked up and tired from the
heat.

i tipped well.

i am sheduled for an MRI next week. there may be something very wrong in
my system, or it may be nothing but poor nutrition and an encroaching
sense of depressed resignation. who can say… it’s probably not as
mysterious as i like to imagine myself. nothing about me ever is.