Monday, Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday were crushed last week by a stampede of quacking automobiles. The attack was blamed on Chevrolet’s new hybrid Corvette. The newly-designed hybrid reportedly sprouts dozens of enormous wings on the vehicle’s roof and stilts on the bottom. Then it belches out a horrendous quacking noise that frightens other vehicles, causing them to accelerate uncontrollably. Nationwide the new Corvette is said to have sent seven commercial jets into miraculous meditation.
Last night in Dallas a telephone rang like no one had ever heard a phone ring before. Surprised passers-by heard a guttural mix of horses sneezing and car horns blasting through a wailing voice that sounded like Mariem Hassan but was too faint and staticky to definitively identify. The phone stopped ringing before anyone answered, leaving a lethargic mist of uncertainty as to who might have called and what they meant to communicate through the bizarre ringing sound.
Monday is National Remote Control Appreciation Day. President Obama approved the day last year, for the first time declaring a national holiday not by signing an executive order but by symbolically pushing a button that did absolutely nothing. By combining the world’s estimated 70 million remote controls into one single button the president hopes to encourage development of smartphone apps that will vacuum up and organize logins and passwords of people who genuinely cannot stand each other.
