I had no signal moment. No alarum-bells. Just another day of grogginess and disconnect, and some innardal symptoms familiar but not felt recently. Something bout the cold made it feel like things had changed, or should change. There was also the money. I am broke, underwater, in credit card debt for the first time since 2000. I work full time at a job that does not pay a living wage. I’ve lost money here almost since day 1, in January, 2022. Today is January 9, 2025. I think my start date here was January 18 or 19, 2022. There is no annual rise in salary here, so the $50 increase in rent for an apartment that continues to deteriorate in value and accommodation is $50 I cannot spend on other things.
I weigh in at exactly 181.0 pounds today, and for the last couple of weeks. 181 has been my magic number for many reasons and for all the decaudes I’ve lived in New York. But reaching that weight is a signal for me to turn back, slow the gut, become the lean, maybe not rail-thin but thin person I’d been since youth, when weight-gain seemed virtually impossible for me. Until 2022 I kep things under control by walking doubl-digit miles most days. Now I sit at a desk and eat cold cuts and carbs every day. My ass gets fat, as does my gut, I never could have imagined looking this way. It’s not really that bad but it’s not what I feel in my mind that I look like.
In other developments I have slowly been setting up my new online platform. I’m looking to not run my own mail server in any way and it’s proving more annoying than I thought. But who needs the minutia? My new setup is uniquely janky, as I like it.
I feel fine. Days to come will decide for sure.
