Inauguration ceremonies for the reelected president commenced at 4am eastern standard time, waking thousands of groggy Civil War veterans from their constipated graves. General Ulysses Grant was particularly ornery at being summoned to the event, citing his record on global warming and gun control as evidence that he should have been exempt from being required to attend.
School officials expected more from a mountain of bananas found massed along Interstate 75 near Ocala, Florida. The bananas, found near the home of famed drag racer Big Daddy Don Garlits, turned out to be stale and covered with acne. A group of grade school children popped the blemishes, covering themselves with the fluids that squirted out. The youngsters discovered the bananas while on a field trip to the Interstate’s roadside ditches and gullies.
Mystery surrounds the explosion of 5 customers in the express line at a Tennessee supermarket. Heads and torsos of 3 women and 2 men erupted in a ghastly splatter of internal organs and emotional bile. Witnesses at the Piggly Wiggly supermarket in Rheatown described the explosions and the resultant mixture of physical and spiritual gunk as a thin but viscous paste, possibly getting a bluish hue from a jar of blueberry jam that one customer was holding in her hand and which shattered. Spontaneous human combustion is rare in this part of Tennessee, where the simultaneous occurrence of 5 human bodies exploding has caused soul searching among grocery store franchisees who fear this might spell the end of the express line as an American institution.
