I jut had the closest thing to a panic attacks as I’ve experienced in quite a while. It was a strange and awkward situation. I’m at a bar. The place is empty. I order something not on the bar’s menu. Grilled cheese and bacon. How hard can that be, right? As I’m waiting a guy walks in. He is obviously friends with the bartender. They make small talk. Then this other guy walks in. The bartender seems to know him, too. He asks for a water. Then he proceeds to just talk, and talk, and talk. He’s saying “Damn these nigga tomboys, fuck dat shit, man, nigga tomboys. You know what I mean?” He says this over and over. The bartender I guess was just being nice but at first she actually seemed to connect with what he was saying. Then he starts talking about the music playing on the radio, saying something about the Backstreet Boys. He says “You girls had the crushes.” That comment at least made sense. She commented that of course she did, all the girls had crushes on those guys. Then he goes back into babbling mode, talking about high school and a girl who was in a bad spot when he saved her. That, at least, is the narrative I thought was spilling from his face. All this time I can tell he’s trying to rope me into the conversation but I ignore. “You know about those nigga tomboys?” he asked the guy who had come in before him. He replied “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” I was kind of relieved to hear that, and I almost said so. No one else knew what the fuck this guy was droning about, either. He goes on with this story about saving the girl from whatever precarious situation she was in but now he starts punctuating his story by almost shouting the words “TO THE RESCUUUUUUE!” in a sing-songy kind of way. The grilled cheese and bacon sammich comes out and it is fucking disgusting. I try to eat it but it’s like sludge. this is when I came closest to a panic attack. Then I hear a buzzing noise, like a prolonged “pfffffffffft” type of sound. I think it’s the babbler and that he has moved on from nonsensical words of the English language to making just pure noise with his mouth. I realize that this is not the case. The sound is actually comning from a drill or something being used in a construction project going on in the place next door.  I never turned to look at the guy, and I might have left thinking it had been him making noises with his mouth if the bartender didn’t refer to the fact that the noise was coming from next door, and she wished it would stop. To make the situation all the more confusing I found that I could barely look away from the bartender because she is possibly the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. It’s a knee-weakened kind of reaction I would not have even thought I still had in me. I must have looked like I was falling apart, because that is exactly how I felt. The babbler goes back to the “niggas bein’ tomboys” thing, adding “Girls wanna be boys!” He starts repeating this phrase over and over, and he also starts fidgeting quite noticeably.

The nasty sammich cost ten fucking dollars.

The sound of that guy’s rambling felt like what I imagine reality will become when our civilization coming unhinged. The two sides of the brain did not seem like they were aware of each other’s existence. This was the sound of garbage flowing through the Interstates when America destroys itself. It really bothered the shit out of me.

I am waiting for 6pm to arrive so I can go to a presentation from an arts funding group. There is not much money up for grabs but I guess it’s for bragging rights and, for me at least, possibly meeting new people. I went to a presentation by this same group maybe 5 or 6 years ago. I decided not to pursue it because it seemed like a lot of work and I didn’t really need the money. I’m not so sure I need it now, either, but it is something to do with my busy day.