I seem to have averted a panic attack, at least for the present. I think I will take a break from visiting that mausoleum. It is a good and healthy walk but so are a lot other destinations. The yard itself is so barren and graceless, even in the more manicured areas. Which is why the new structure (St. Joseph) made such an impression on me. Blah. The walk was rugged what with the snow, but all in all the trek was passable. The only real area I had trouble with was at the BQE.

It looks like the Links are landing in AsLIC. I saw a couple of tell-tale orange pylons where payphones used to be, on Broadway near 31st and 33rd Streets. Boo. I do not like those things, and imagined that we would be spared them long enough for the company that makes them to go out of business. I walked to 21st Street to see if they had replaced that empty clamshell outside the Trade Fair, but they did not. Not yet, at least. That might not be an eligible location, but the zoning rules have always been kind of a mystery to me. They are not supposed to put advertising platters in residential areas. This was true for payphones, too.

I feel like I am in a fog. It was worse yesterday. But it’s not just a groggy sort of hangover. It is my whole life. I waste so much time, every precious day ends with a lot of nothing. I cannot stand the sound of my own life.

I am going to attempt to redo some of the old payphone site, not that it merits my attention any more. I should try again to stop drinking. I went a couple of days but failed again to stay dry. I was almost feeling like I might get through the night two days ago but I changed my mind. I have some bruises, and I have no memory of what caused them. I could really damage myself, as I almost did when I hit my head. This is great, is it not? My amazing life.

At the Bakeway, where the coffee is not as good as it usually is. I had an idea for something more to write but that idea vanished. I seem to have lost the balaklava with which I was so enamored. I don’t lose things very often but somehow I had a feeling I was going to lose that thing.

Maybe I will bring my father’s Bible to the chapel. That’s a good idea. Bring some legitimate religiosity to the pursuit.

Well, I feel ill and restless. Going to walk as walk can.