it was all unnecessary, i think. or so i am starting to think. a brain MRI
2 days ago left me rattled and rolled mostly on account of my lack of
informed preparation for the event. i read as far as how i should prepare
for it but beyond that i just assumed it was 45-minutes of lying in one
spot and not moving. i didn’t know about the noise. holy shit, i wish i
had advance knowledge about that, because by the time i got used to it it
felt like cacophonous rock&roll opera raging inside my head. throw in a
funky beat and i think that’s exactly what you’ve got. but it wasn’t so
much fun as it should have been. i suspect that this MRI and most tests of
its kind are needless. and an MRI is never fun, really, but i have the
right frame of mind about these things to try and make it so.
i’m starting to wish i hadn’t scanned some of the films that the surly
radiologist gave me. films of the brain scans. films of photos with a
swirl of text matter around each image, i saw the little twisty entrails
and the pockets of liquid and the tree-like mass of nerves that is my
spine. in one shot i swear it’s my mouth emerging from the middle of my
brain. teeth. now i see a teething orifice in my brain and i think oh, so
that’s what’s eating my life.
i hope i never have to do that again. the brain MRI. unless i’m carrying a
fetus in my skull i can’t imagine what might come next to merit another
one of these.
i guess i’m putting that insurance to work once and for all. up until now
its mostly been needless dentist visits and random blood tests that prove,
as always, nothing.
but i wish i hadn’t looked at my brain, my fucking brain, my
motherfuckingbrain.
it felt like a day a few weeks ago when i couldn’t figure out why the
laptop computer was not recording properly. i didn’t realize that the
microphone was turned on, and that the line-in plug was useless. i thought
sound was going in through the line-in but it was not, and
as i started whining and complaining and pleading with the motherfucking
computer to please just fucking work. when i realized that the thing had
been recording all the while i played back the recording and heard nothing
but my whines and bleats. i sounded a fucking pig being beaten with a
piece of hickory, which might just be a suitable metaphor for my goddam
life.