word for today’s feelings is dismal. cannot seem to shake it. long walk has me feeling a wee bit better but not by much. got really angry at myself for fucking up a subway transfer and paying double fare. no 7 trains from queensboro to manhattan, but the way an MTA agent said it it sounded like there was no 7 trains whatsoever at court square. i should have known this was wrong but it got away from me, so i took a shuttle bus from court square stupidly thinking they’d have things programmed for a free transfer. what a dumb idea.
did good work yesterday and continued it a bit this am but couldn’t shake this horrible feeling that i am disintegrating, that i have no future. just e-mailed an ex who had invited me to her housewarming that i can’t make it. considering the fact that i rarely if ever have to be anywhere at a certain time it should not surprise me that i forgot that i actually have to be somewhere this weekend, when the housewarming is to occur. she and her bf just bought a house in Poughkeepsie. she’s been a good person to talk to of late.
At a starbucks, eating a turkey pesto sammich that tastes like dirt. i don’t think it’s the sammich, it’s me. i’m the dirt.
sent a 311 request using the 311 app that i did not know existed before today. reported the vandalism that has 38th avenue looking like 138th avenue. i wonder if the nearby Flux Factory group is responsible. it’s a mighty high sign to vandalize. i remember reporting a confusing sign screwup on 36th ave a while back, and it was fixed in what seemed like a day.
finally talked to the landlord about the lease. some days i think he thinks i’m a stupid white american, other days he seems like my best friend. today was one of the latter of those extremes. he said he didn’t mean to bump up the rent, that he just looked at last year’s lease and repeated it. he says i should just change the numbers on the lease, which doesn’t sound completely legal to me but i’ll do it anyway. among so mamy other pressures and concerns i’ve been digesting (or not digesting) the lack of a signed lease has only added to things.
