Sitting in one of the more dismal and even depressing public spaces, the one across the street from Grand Central. The way all the buildings seem to rise over this space feels like it is a half-basement, but it is at street level.

Therapist meeting was all over the place today. I had to take an anxiety pill after the NBC affiliate published its story to which I contributed. The story was fine until the last sentence, when it linked to a page of Denver payphone locations stating that it was a current and up-to-date listing. I explained quite clearly that the listings are left online for historical purposes, and that a small number of them might still be valid but that the resource is not intended to serve as an actively maintained phone book. There is value in old data, and the value of this data in particular I’ve explained many times over.

So a commenter makes what would seem to be a predictable comment on the data’s reliability. I suspect such comments would not have come had they linked to the page with the correct disclaimer regarding its historical relevance versus its timeliness. Or maybe such comments would have come in anyway. But it was enough to spike my blood pressure and make me feel anxiety, which had been an improving thing of late until yesterday. Blood pressure has been down. I still don’t know what yesterday was all about but today’s anxiety-cause was a certainty. Maybe I should make the payphone listings a paid product that researchers can access for what it is, and not leave it up to journalists and their readers to describe it.

…

Now it is later. I went home but did not want to be there so I came back out and got on the subway train. Sitting at the old Sony Public Space, which is now an unnamed Public Sapce since Sony does not live here any more. It is 8:45 or so. I do not typically head out at this time of a night. A band is sitting at a table rehearsing and talking about their music. I think their style is what you’d call “AAA”, Adult, Acoustic, Ambient. I think that’s what it means. It’s kind of a death-knell in the music industry to call a band “AAA” because it means they are bland and unrecognizable, and savvy music industry executives never call a band “AAA” to its collective face.

Recording them now. They are Christian/religious, I now hear. Still AAA, though.

I don’t want to be here, but I don’t want to be anywhere. I told the therapist today how I can’t stand seeing myself in a mirror. She was in an upbeat mood today and made comments consistent with that upbeatedness. I explained some of my research going in to this payphone thing. She is encouraging about this project but said today that we needed to work on me making money again. I continue my deliberate and calculated professional hibernation but know it must end sooner or later. I am good on money until the end of the year, as far as I can guess. I don’t want any livelihood connected to the Internet, computers, or technology. That rules out a lot of things which would suit me. Anything where I could work with my hands would be suitable. Maybe I’ll work at a kitchen where they make hand-crafted tarts.

I actually remember the night the job at Tower Records really lit up for me. It was the night they let me at the cash register. For some reason it was considered a difficult cash register to operate, at least at first. But I ripped into that thing like a virtuoso right from the get go. It felt amazing to do something prestigitationally focused. At the time I did not own a piano, nor do I think did I even have my typewriter here yet. I felt sparks fly in my brain when I got to punch up prices and totals on that cash register.

I got over that thrill, but in its initial hour or so it was orgasmic.

Think I’ll go home.