Not sure which you’d call it but I took a panic pill today and am feeling the calm smooth over my innards. Anxiety gets into everything. The stomach, the nerves, the brain, the eyes. I was sitting at this desk earlier when a wave of revulsion in the form of panic and anxiety arose. I did not want to be here. I left this place, as I often do, fidgeting. I found street theater machines outside, after much has changed with the devices, yet nothing about my shenanigan will shift. I’ve had some other ideas, of blasting content that will make people want to stay and listen, make them want to tap the “Still here?” button now that it pops up every 3 minutes. But what would that content be? Live sports, maybe. Live something. Live coverage of an emergency situation somewhere… but it would be impossible to organize and mobilize in time, I would think, around a genuine crisis. It could be interpreted as exploiting whatever the situation might be. But live music, or a playlist, something like that could keep people engaged, rather than annoyed; and it could keep them standing there instead of looking for the kill switch.

So… evolving. Changing gears but keeping the game alive. I wrote to that reporter, sounding unintentionally like an asshole. I was just letting him know I was canceling the burner address, but then I realized I’m using it for something else so I’ll keep it there for a while. I’m trying to get his attention because I’m getting to a point where I don’t feel like talking about this anymore. It’s mostly over, I think, but only coincidental is the fact that the company changed the way those things work. I was winding down anyway, which is why I contacted him when I did. I know it’s not the story of the century but I thought he’d be more aggressive about or interested in this than he’s been.

Fucking dentist’s office, the assistant called last week to move my appointment from 4:30 to 2pm, saying the dentist had been called to an emergency. How you can plan an emergency days ahead is lost on me, but then I remember hearing last time I was at the ER that Mt. Sinai has no dentist on staff. I thought an ER had one of basically everything. So she called last week to reschedule, I said fine, then she called today not to ask if I could reschedule again but to simply inform me that I would be coming in at 4:30, not 2pm, as we had rescheduled for last week. Then she butt-dialed, or whatever you’d call it, ringing my phone one time, three times in a row; this before connecting the call to say I couldn’t come in at all today. So we rescheduled for 3:30 tomorrow, or did we? The call ended and I received a text saying I’d been booked for 4:30 tomorrow. It’s not so much that she’s disorganized but she’s fucking rude about it.

I’ve had a string of irritating and impenetrable AutoSSL renewal errors, as if I really even need SSL in the first place. I’m not handling any sensitive information or passwords. But it’s kind of techie hubris thing to go SSL now, and I gotta get my techie hubris on. But I contacted someone at tech support and they mostly straightened it out, admitting some of the errors were due to a bug in their system. I really have no good reason to host my sites on a dedicated server anymore. But I start shopping around for alternatives and I get seasick. So many options, so much work in moving sites around, so much that can go wrong. So I stay lazy, and stay put. Story of my life.