A small plague of rock concerts briefly invaded boxes of cereal produced at a Long Island manufacturing facility last week. Supervisors at the Jolly Bootstrap plant in Glen Cove briefly suspended production of their signature “Polyps Pops” cereal after Quality Analysts discovered Joan Jett and the Blackhearts performing “I Love Rock & Roll” in an otherwise empty box. Subsequent boxes of “Polyps Pops”, also devoid of cereal, were found to contain a pickup band comprising all 45 U.S. presidents; an unidentified group of high school musicians singing Hank Williams’ “Jambalaya”; and several dozen classical pianists performing an arrangement of Rossini’s “William Tell Overture”.

Kimberly Poundstone, supervisor on duty at the time of the bands’ discovery, praised the work of the Jolly Bootstrap’s line workers and analysts. “The quick action of our workers stopped these rock concerts from increasing in number, prevented them from reaching grocery store shelves, and from occupying kitchen cabinets and pantries across the country.”

When asked to produce an example of a rock concert in a cereal box Ms. Poundstone deferred to Samuel Driggs, a Glen Cove resident with no known connection to the Jolly Bootstrap company. Mr. Driggs, when questioned, was found dismembered and petrified at the base of a tree in a nearby park.

Yes, I really wrote this. I found it last night in one of my “newsletter” textsplats, in which I take an MS Word template and replace its filler content with stuff like this. It’s fun. Click to download the PDF of “TEMPTATION TIME“.