Got through it OK, wanting a beer but not doing it. I managed to stock up on beer and vodka the day before making this decision to lay off. Is it possible 1:35pm, Thursday, September 16, 2021, was really my last ingestion of alcohol ever?

I think not. I do not need complete sobriety, unless some sort of innardal injury or condition demands it. I have had internal organ damage at times due to the booze but that’s been rare and, I believe, not entirely or solely on account of the intake.

Remembering today how much safer I feel for not being involved with the last woman I knew. It didn’t last long but was emblematic, yet again, of my lifelong weakness for just going along with whoever comes my way, whoever ushers me in, whoever forces me in to their life. Mother made fun of me for it from grade 3, how I would become friends with what kid sat next to me, in class or on the bus, didn’t matter where.

I don’t know, really, what her point was in leveling that ridicule, if that is even what one even calls it. What’s wrong with getting on a school bus a stranger and leaving with a new best friend?

I guess she was implying that I could be more selective? Less easy?

I think of it in context of relationships I’ve had which I never really wanted to enter into, or didn’t care either way if I did or not. But I went along with it because that’s what people like me do. It’s a contributing factor to why I am so prone to abusive relationships, and for as much of that as has hurt me I consider myself lucky for letting it be far worse. I don’t openly invite abusive relationships. They just happen.

But the real question of the day is the booze. How long can I? How long should I abstain? What responsibility do I have to answer to that deserves better of me than in my usual state of stupidity at this hour of 10:09pm? This is usually when I start posting strident, stupid, drowning-in-alcohol bits of coarse but hilarious-to-me textual and sometimes visual spew.

Most recently it’s been pictures of my big fat cock posted to this website. In the past it’s been naked pix posted to social media, quickly wiped away.

I’ve been naked on the internet since the earliest webcams, for the most part attracting virtually nothing but gay men. I don’t care who wants to wank off at me but I am, as one ex famously put it: “The most heterosexual man I’ve ever met.”

That was meant as a compliment but it did, of course, beg the question Is that a good thing?

I feel most comfortable naked, giving a visual representation of the fact that I have nothing to hide. It feels honest to me but I know others find male sexuality to be vulgar, and coarse, unless of course that sexuality is being directed at them.

I gotta eat something.