Hah. Got the corner suite today. I don’t usually type into my personal void from the work spot but no one is here and no one cares what I do off the clock. I took a panic pill just now, and a BP one as well. I don’t like doing that but things got out of control, or so it seemed. Subways were a mess, I didn’t help matters by choosing local routes that I thought would be express, … all I could think, though, was how safe I felt making these mistakes on my own. With a woman I’d be getting screamed at for making these mistakes. I made a similar gaffe past week, but at least it was on the return trip. I ended up on some odyssey where the train saying it was going to Astoria went to Upper East Side instead. I was immersed in a science fiction story about fashionable coffins when next thing I knew I was at 63rd Street. Very angry about this but nothing can be done. I believed what the train said upon its bodice.
Love this job. Really do. I hear people says it’s “easy.” I never think of it as such but I guess that assessment is not wrong. Compared to, say, being the mop boy at Show World, or analyzing Isis beheading videos, or verifying objectionable photos on social media… those jobs are a lot more demanding and thankless than this. Still, I have trouble thinking of it as “easy.”
I think I am calming down but it could take a while. Read an account by a doctor who’d been drinking two glasses of wine and maybe some shots for a long time. She described the drying out process and how rewarding it was. She mentioned that anxiety went away after a month. I don’t think that would happen with me. I’ve been like this since grade school.
Still kinda shaking, though… Might take another half a panic pill. I think they disperse and dilute as I walk around with them in my pocket everywhere I go.
