yesterday sent me long and far, up to woodside (the ‘hood side) and back to astoria, via circuitous routes and rambles. somehow i always end up alone on Christmas. as i told myself yesterday, it must be that i want it this way, for i believe that you get what ask for in life, whether you know it or not.

a Christmas day ramble through parts unknown (and some parts well-known) was good for my mental ecosystem. i was paying attention to nobody but myself, focusing on things, which could mean nothing except that i was hung over or tired.

i am pretty certain i attracted the attention of some gumshoe beefcake security dude at an LIRR station. i was getting photos of the payphones there when i noticed someone standing right the fuck behind me. it was a spacious area there, and this person seemed, as best as i could tell, to be studying my movements. i turned around and heard him whisper into some kind of hidden microphone/telephone/walkie-talkie. i clearly heard him say “I haven’t spoken to him yet.” the dude looked like he was being careful, but thorough, in whatever the fuck he was doing.

i would think that with the terrorists among us a trained security person who pays attention to suspicious human behaviour might regard my activity as strange: i was picking up payphones and hanging them up, without using the phones. i took photos of the phones, and of the little scraps of paper on which is printed the telephone’s number. when not engaged in futzing with the phones i just kind of stood there, looking out the window at the train tracks. it would not surprise me if someone on terrorist alert thought i was up to something strange, but no one approached me, though I am all but certain i aroused some attentions.

i left the LIRR station, not on acocunt of feeling like i was being followed but because i was done with my business there. no one seemed to have followed me, but i imagine a photo-filled dossier of my face, from surveillance cameras, is being memorized by the keepers of that train station, for future identification should i ever return.

it reminds me of a time i went to department store and, unable to decide if i wanted to buy a pack of socks, i stood at the product bin, my fingers idly fidgeting over the bag of socks, as i contemplated the purchase, contemplated purchasing something else, just contemplated and contemplated into complete obliviation from anyone else around me.

that’s when i looked up and noticed a security guard staring at me, scowling. he clearly thought my behaviour was suspicious, and you know, i can’t say that i blame him. i was *not* doing anything or even remotely considering doing anything that should have attracted his attentions, but my nervous behaviour and needless contemplation of that bag of socks must have looked pretty strange to anyone trained in interpreting body language in an attempt to intercept criminal activities.

a similar incident from a long time ago occurred at a Food Emporium on the upper east side. i was standing in the meat section, looking at a package of chicken drumsticks i got lost in reverie or contemplation, possibly fidgeting in the same manner as with the bag of socks. i picked up the package of chicken drumsticks when i vaguely heard an announcement made over the store’s P.A. system. i didn’t remember the substance of that announcement until later, but it was something like “Security personnel, please report to Aisle 3”. Coincidental to this announcement I put down the package of chicken, possibly dropping it or even tossing it down, and i turned to leave the story, apparently in abrupt haste, apparently rather quickly, and clearly in a manner that the security guards found suspicious, for i was chased out of hte store by one of those guys who asked me if i’d just stolen the chicken. i said no, no way, asking him where i could possibly be hiding a package of chicken drumsticks on my person. the altercation continued, with mhy disbelief at the security guard’s confidence growing into exasperation and a feeling of bizarreness. it was the first and so far only time i ever called someone i didn’t know a cocksucker.

…..

i tried to go out again today to do another epic ramble but it was too windy and i was more interested in doing some stuff on the old magazines site. i got through editing the Liszt edition (May, 1902) and started shoveling content up to the site. i’ll try and finish that tonight.

i have so much to do, so fucking much to do.