2:11 AM Friday, April 20, 2012
i had trouble getting to the doctors office today.
i had trouble getting to the 181.
Trouble getting from one side of the room to the other.
I got there, I made it.
But this is bullshit.
Point A to Point B has never included nervous disorders and near prattfalls.
I might stay inside all day on the beautiful morrow whilst looking forward to the rainy weekend whence I have an excuse to avoid public, avoid the public.
I had visions of closing the 181.
I might have to, or it at least might be in my better interest to remove that faraway Parc Lincoln connection.
i don’t know if I understand how I could have been so buoyant and energetic just a few months ago, asking directions to Queens Boulvard of the woman who told me “That’s a long way from here” as i cavalierly indicated I could walk any distance in these 5 boroughs. now i can barely contemplate a journey to 30th Avenue. I thought I would never make it there today. I stopped and started, grasping fenceposts for long seconds, I tried to act normal but now and again I saw homebound eyeballs from upstairs looking down at me. A suspicious street, this 29th Street? Or just normal? Normal for women (mostly women) to stare through globe-like eyes at this flaneur, idling men like me as we spin on our heels and feebly act like there is something going on that demands our attention.
And maybe they are sicker than me? Maybe they are sicker than I, homebound and paranoid.

2:06 AM Saturday, April 21, 2012
today was better than yesterday. let us see what a decent meal and a fistful of multivitamins does to improve one’s outlook and blood pressure. I don’t know what is going on inside this fleshy bag of bones and water. it’s getting confusing. If i had more responsibilities I might be more immediately concerned but for now I shall be forced to wait 2 weeks for a neurologist to see me. Neurologists, like most doctors, are busy busy people.

Last night’s dreams crazified. I went to a Walgreen’s to get vitamins made of hair. I entered the store and the aisles were cluttered and clogged with clothing and single-piece outfits. I complained about the clutter, saying the aisles were impassible. I nevertheless got to the back of the store where there was a mirror. I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my eyes turning into blood-red tomatoes. I kept looking at myself but my eyes forced themselves shut, and I fell backwards, dead on the floor. It felt to se real I thought sure I was gone, even as the feeling of falling over backward was alarmingly convincing as I lay here on this bed, on this spot.

So strange a feeling looking one’s self straight in the face as a heart attack consumes you.

The dreams raged on.

…..

Holy crap, you dip into but a page or two of Pynchon and you feel like starting over. So many ideas, such a carnival of nonsense. Good nonsense, but nonsense all the more.

Talking about Vineland.

…..

2:42 AM Sunday, April 22, 2012
lying in bed barking out how annoying things are, i want to lie down and go to sleep in warmth but i have many sheets to sort and pile and i hate life and i don’t see much more of it on the horizon. sometimes i wish someone was here to hear me gripe and complain about these bullshits of life but in these days the bullshit anger of my time would be ridiculed and tweeted and twatted ahoy. i would like to share this bullshit with someone i could trust, and who might even make me shut the fuck up.
 Christ, how i grind my teeth on nights like this

…..

3:56 AM Friday, April 27, 2012
I made it to the Home Depot today. and i made it back. reminding me of the arguments between dems and repubs about sending men to the moon. the central question was always: how much does it cost to send a man to the moon? the follow up questions, almost never asked, was:
OK, then, how much would it cost to bring him back?
I thought of those return costs today, but I spared the economy of them. I walked. Walked the walk the walking walk. And I even felt OK most of the while. I stopped mid-gait many times, but not as many times as last week, or the weeks before.
I noticed last night how sudden this was. Looking at pictures from March I see that I was stomping around Glandale and walking all the way to the Middle Village boneyards just 4 or 5 weeks ago. I don’t remember feeling anything then. Anything bad, that is. I can barely see this screen so please excuse the typii.

my eyes are jamming shut

4:06 AM Saturday, April 28, 2012
felt good today! Walked fine, didn’t think about putting one foot in front of the other. i stopped and started a bit on the 36th Ave subway platform. but that might have been the encroaching fear of heights thing. I can’t even contemplate walking the triborough any more, this after I walked it dozens of times before and looked forward to that span as a daily respite, or recreation.

Between the narrowness of the space, the low railing, and the obnoxious illegal bicyclists barking orders at me to get out of the way that bridge is too scary for lowly pedestrains. A mere colliision between a pedestrian and a speedster scofflaw bicyclist could easily send one or the other over the railing.
I used to like walking that bridge but I gave it up to the illegal bicyclists.
If I come back to the subject of that bridge a lot it’s because it looks so much like my mother. The rectangular shoulders. The headless but deeply headed creature.
 typing in the dark
“““

4:24 AM Sunday, April 29, 2012
looks like config.xml got wiped out. Annoying. i just wanted to type white text onto a comfortable black background. Not tonight… Just wanted to report that i feel better this week than last, but better yesterday than today. Wish i knew what the fuck was going on in my nervous system, but we’ll figure it out…
Got a good and credible wander in today. Only to Queens Plaza and back but that’s the best I’ve been able to managae for 5 weeks. I didn’t appreciate it so much as today. The freedom to walk where I want to walk, as long and as far… God bless America. God bless Queens. I even took a re-detour back down 30th Street to see Mike’s Pizza by 38th Avenue. New place. I didn’t go in because I am a fraidy cat of new things, but I’ll try it again some day. I saw 9 Stars of David blacked out.

3:31 AM Monday, April 30, 2012

3:32 AM Monday, April 30, 2012
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand we’re back
Energy is back, ability to walk indiscriminate lengths is back, fear of heights is back and better than before. Hell yeah. Where have I been these past 5 or 6 weeks? Nowhere good. Nowhere good.

i missed me and my time-wasting -opathies

3:12 AM Tuesday, May 01, 2012
i made it all the way out to Calvary today. andback. Hell yeah. I’m a superstar. A conqueror. Too bad the payphone at Greenpoint Avenue and the gas station didn’t work but it’s all good.
 I saw all that same strange beautiful bullshit,
 the weird fonts on the tombstones and
 abundant foliage on mausoleums.
 I don’t know where this is
 going but for today I made it.
 As mother said after I made the
 front page of the NY Times:
 ”You made it!”
 Today was no different.
 Today was A1,
 front page.

` 3:42 AM Wednesday, May 02, 2012
and then there was now.
and then there was here
and then there was the crackling of the sand and the knowing whistles singing that Ashbery said it all, said it all

Terrorist chorales?

` 3:55 AM Saturday, May 05, 2012
goddamit the background colors go back to bullshit white so annoying i felt the vulgar wave of annoyance rise up again tonight i feel like a tool in the software continuum of upgrades and unamerican downgrades

weirdly confrontational yet welcoming dialogue with Glen Norris tonight
looking forwared to more of that

3:17 AM Sunday, May 06, 2012
is this really what time it is?
today was a day of no time.
2pm might have been 4pm might have been 7pm.

made eye contact with the bartender librarian tonight
i think about these bartendresses
do they ever leave the environment?
after how many years are we trapped?
as customers and as workers?
how long before the bar becomes your life?
when there are no jobs you return, once again, to the bar.
are we all losers? on either side of the bar, are we all losers?
or is this just life?
is this just the neighborhoods we inhabit?
do we drink?
we drink,
to quote Faye Dunaway quoting Bukowsky:
   “I drink”
Even if you don’t drink, how many years of this sorry life can you expose yourself to before you drink?

listening to the sound of the spittle whine through my teeth and gums
close my lips
close my lips`

6:13 PM Monday, May 07, 2012
Yes yes yes, life is fucking annoying the shit out of me again. I whine like a pig being beaten, which might be a metaphor for my fat fucking life.
  I heard myself whine today.
  it was a mistake.
  i accidentally recorded myself
  whining while trying to
  figure out how to make a
  fucking recording. it turns out i was
  recording myself with the microphone,
  not the sound of the computer.
  so i played back the recording and
  heard my sorry sounding throat
  whine and plead and ask questions
  why the goddam thing doesn’t fucking work.
then later i’m at work on something i’ve been meaning to do for a long time, writing a review of the sangean ddr-63, when suddenly this randomfucking PCDVR90.dll error keeps popping up, not going away and not explaining itself in a useful way. so i stopped working and shut down and went out drinking. fuck computers. fuck waiting for software to just fucking work.

2:11 AM Wednesday, May 09, 2012
What day is this?
  air conditioner rages, rattles
  the night is on its way to loss.
  when night is lost the day begins.
  i feel my lower jaw attack the upper.
  i am comfortable now but soon i will have to piss
  and so will Jesus
  and so will Enron
  all things must piss
  i saw the most tightassed executives of a generation
  pissing

2:26 AM Sunday, May 13, 2012
the public is dead.
long live the public.
public information is dead.
long live public information

the public is dead. long live the`q public.
public informatino is dead.
long live publicinmflrmnation

1:26 AM Monday, May 14, 2012
i still don’t know
i don’t know what to know
almost passed out on Queens Blvd today
near Albion St
what a way to go?
i was hot and vacant
getting some sun
gorging on the sun
holy Christ, tho, it was scary
no one there, hot, strange structures, the Mall was the destination
10-15 seconds of my life vanished
facing south then facing north with no memory of turning around

1:08 AM Tuesday, May 15, 2012
another failed day.
nothing positive to report.
only failure.

i had happiness.
i remember it now if i
didn’t know it at the time.
it was not a successful happiness,
but it was happiness.

i want a dipshit job in a
dipshit lobby of a
dipshit country

i am an alien in my own life