From My Outbox.

October 11, 1998

hey – thanks for writing. i was away this week, and just got back last night.

i used to worry about putting certain things up for all the world to see, but the reality is that for every little thing i do say there is a ton of other stuff i do not say. it is that way for reasons i’ve not quite decided or focused on. when i first started doing this i was almost the only person i knew who had internet access. now, my mother and bosses and people i work with all read this stuff, so it might seem like i have to be a little more careful. for a while i was more careful, but now i’m not so much so, because what difference does it make anyway.

it is nice to hear from someone who understands that feeling alone in this life is not anything to be ashamed of or embarrassed about. i was afraid at first that you were going to offer advice (which i get often enough. the advice is usually stupid.)

have you thought of making a website of your own? i sometimes feel weird about having a website, but it is a nice friend to have.

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September 29, 1998

i have no memory of sending you that vagina thing, but i guess i
thought it was funny while in a drunken stupor last night.

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September 30, 1998

that reminds me of a time i was working at Tower Records in Lincoln
Center, and i put on Glass’ “Hymn to the Sun God.” a group of older
women (60s or 70s, by my rough estimate) approached the counter
with tears in their eyes and asked me “who is the composer of this
beautiful music?” i told them “philip glass”. their expression
instantly changed. they were reviled. they looked disgusted.
they left the store immediately. it felt like racism.

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December 7, 2003

I wasn’t able to get online this weekend. I slept
until 2:30 today, after being up way too late after a
Christmas concert in Woodside. It was a low-key
concert, but a good crowd considering the weather.
I’ll spare you the details, but I got kind of sick at
and after this event. Yum.

Is it strange to say that I wasn’t online this
weekend? I say that sometimes to people who take the
Internet for granted, and to them saying you can’t get
online is like saying you have no running water. I
have to unplug from the Internet sometimes or I lose
my mind. It’s an addictive trait.

I have Oreos. Can I pass you an Oreo?

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October 23, 2003

Hey – I’m sorry to know about all the crap you and
your mother are going through. It sounds hellish, but
maybe there is an upside to it all? I don’t know what
that would be, but when my mother is sick I look
forward to when it’s over and she’s back at home
playing Scrabble with me online. My mother gets
depressed and world-weary at almost any prompting.
But she was finally diagnosed with depression —
meaning it’s the first time in her life she
talked to a doctor about it. Otherwise she’d have been
diagnosed decades ago. So now that she’s got it in the
open it’s OK for her and I to talk about it and to
talk about how it’s been a problem with me since grade
school. We’re just getting started with that.

I was in Sunswick tonight, around 7pm. I don’t usually
go there on weekends, but try to make it in during the
week. I am not inclined to seek out company or live
people, so making it into places like Sunswick or
McLoughlin’s on a regular basis is an accomplishment
for me.

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June 21, 2003

After I got burned so bad last year the first thing I
got rid of was my IM and buddy list. I had every
messenger ever made sitting on my desktop. So she
would always know when I was online. I got to a point
where I wouldn’t use them for anything. I think it
cleared my head a little bit, and let me avoid going
to that extreme of just pitching this whole thing out
onto the sidewalk. See I’m not a fan of extremes. They
don’t make sense to me. But the IM and
gaping-into-the-Internet addiction relates to
something I heard a long time ago. Someone said that
if you’re an alcoholic (or fill in any other vice)
then it doesn’t matter if you’re on a desert island
for 20 years without a drink. You are still an
alcoholic. It seemed mean-spirited to me at the time
but I think there is truth in that sentiment.

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May 17, 2007

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March 5, 2008

I often go out toward Woodside, where I’ve spent many long days roaming the giant Calvary Cemetery off of Greenpoint Avenue. Have you ever been out to any of these Queens mega-graveyards? It’s a toss-up between Calvary and the Unisphere (in Flushing) as my favorite spots in NYC. I am not a particularly morose sort, either, but somehow I got familiar enough with Calvary that I only wanted to go back and find more. Familiarity is weird that way. I find Calvary to be an endlessly beautiful and fascinating place, and I love standing under the Unisphere too.

My name’s Mark. Next time I’m up on the T’boro maybe I’ll e-mail you a cameraphone picture from up there. I might even go today but more likely tomorrow.

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April 7, 2011

after a weekend of continuous vomiting, or so it seemed after 6 solid hours of overnight volcanic barfosity, i am still sore this thursday afternoon, all my innards wrenched asunder, but it’s slowing down, easing up, my poor innards were so abused these past few months. first there was the food-induced dry-heaves of about 6 months ago, which caused my innards remarkable soreness for as little effort as i seemed to have exerted. but the innards had not been turned asunder for years, many years, maybe even a decade, and those innards need a workout if they are to be nimble and vigorous. after that i was sore for maybe a day and a half, but when 3am struck monday and i was still vomiting i just started to laugh a little, accepting the prolonged moment of oral evacuation as the easy part before the week or more of innardal misery.

after the dry heaves and the relatively mild period of soreness that followed i next slipped on the ice and cracked my back, slamming into the road with a dumb thud, which didn’t hurt much at first, it didn’t feel like anything, really. but after a day or two the soreness set in, in my back and throughout my innards, and it was brutal for weeks. it let up but then i strained it again by stupidly hoisting a heavy bag of laundry over my head, probably the heaviest bag of laundry i could reasonably squeeze into the same yellow bag i have used for years, meaning it is probably the heaviest bag of laundry EVER. AND i dumbassedly felt confident about my improved back and showed off to myself (there was no one else around), as usual).

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