I found this in the MEMOS.doc I pulled from a few days ago. This was funny, moreso at the time than now but still good for a slight heaving of the lower gut from whence laughter rises.


A know someone who works for a Gastroenterologist. All day he takes calls from people who needed to see the doctor, complaining about “bleeding anuses”, “crusty vaginas” and other discouraging ailments. I suggested that instead of taking each call one by one it would be more efficient to set up a voice mail system giving callers the option to choose their ailment from a series of automated voice prompts. This way the information could appear on a computer screen before anyone actually takes the call.

The voice prompts could say: “If you suffer from a bloody anus, please press 1.  If you suffer from crabs on your hemorrhoids, please press 2. For painful bowel movements please press 3.” …and so on. If the caller suffered from none of the above that person could press the * button and state their ailment, leaving a short description of what ailed them. That would provide for some entertaining taped material, of random voices stating random anal and ailments. “Crusty vagina” might state one old woman. “Blistered penis” an old man might report. It would be awesome to play back those short recorded utterances and listen to them at random. But more importantly whoever picked up that phone or returned the patients’ calls could immediately speak from authority: “Hello, Mrs. Wilson. I understand you’ve got a bout of the old bloody butthole again.” It would be most efficient. He could call back the dude with the blistered penis and promptly inform him that his office does not have any expertise with the front-facing excretionary organs but that Dr. So-and-so down on 14th could help out.

But the thing I would most like to hear would be the tapes of two or three word descriptions of anal disorders and buttly ailments. I would plug those recordings into a pay-per-minute call-in number. It would surely be one of the favorite phone calls in New York City!

Hm, maybe it’s not as funny as I thought.