At the grocery store tonight I heard the cashier say to me: “I love your penis masks.”

Momentarily startled I asked myself “What the hell is on my face?”

I quickly realized the cashier’s mask had muffled her words.

She, of course, said “Peanuts masks,” and went on to say how she’d noticed every time she sees me in the store I’m “wearing a different penis mask.” It still sounded like she was saying that.

I replied that I was happy she liked them, clumsily adding something about wearing a Schroeder mask because I’m a penist… I mean pianist.

I left the store asking a question to which I didn’t really need an answer: Do penis facemasks exist?

Of course they do. A quick search at mask central, Etsy, turned up 1,000 more results for penis masks than Peanuts. There is also a vulva mask, and a bunch of vagina masks. The anus, breasts, and testicles do not represent much in the facemask market.

Not a single result for “payphone facemask” at Etsy but FineArtAmerica, of all outlets, has a few. None look like anything I’d want to wear.

Schroeder Penis Facemask

Schroeder Penis Facemask