I don’t know if there is anything to interpret from last night’s non-encounter. I sat at the front, she made a beeline to the back, where she enmeshed herself between two men, greeting them with embraces and kisses. It prompted the bartender to comment on why he never got such a robust welcome.
Making it all about me, or at least entertaining this scenario from the possibility that she is interested in me, I have to ask if she was being inordinately affectionate to try and tell me something, that she is affectionate and open.
I think she started to wave hello at me but when she sensed I was not responding or not connecting her gesture to me she stopped. She was as far away as possible, almost.
The men she was with did not seem to be enthralled by her. One of them conspicuously (to me) looked away from her. The other dude seemed perfunctorily interested. Yes, I studied the situation. I may have a couple of days off next week when I could create more opportunities to interact with her.
She really looked beautiful. A radiant smile and face. I don’t know where she was coming from but well-dressed and full of laughter. That’s a thing for me: Ability to laugh. Not everyone can do that, and not everyone is even aware of its unusualness.
I am back at this job again. I don’t know why. Checking in, checking out as if any day could be my last.
I talked to the doctor yesterday. I feel like a liar for not saying more about the drinking but I do say in the interviews that I drink 2 beers and some vodka every single day. I don’t know if his thinking goes toward questioning if my anxieties are due to alcohol withdrawal. He doesn’t know I had the ER stay for alcohol abuse. But that was different. I was drinking to kill myself in those days.
My BP yesterday was perfect, though. 128/78, I think. Could always be lower…
I reduced today’s Lorazapam from 2mg to 1.5mg. So far so good. I went with 1mg a couple of weeks ago and it felt tense at times. I was in sketchy neighborhoods at times and I encountered Danny, an old friend who is now full-bore homeless. He was scary. Without that 1mg of anxiety med I might have blacked out, but with only that 1mg I came close to doing that. A full 2mg would have set me up better to deal with that moment.
What happens now if I quit drinking? How will the body react after this back and forth, squashing the anxiety with a fistful of BP and anxiety meds. Does that really make it go away for real? I wake with a racing heartbeaT, THOUGH TODAY IT SEEMED TO SLOW.i TRIED A MENTAL TECHNIQUE i DON’T KNOW WHERE i LEARNED OF, IN WHICH i BREATH IN THROUGH MY FINGERS AND EXHALE THROUGH MY FEET.
Bah, not going to go back and fix that all-caps. Maybe later. But it’s a technique that works for me. Gets me back to sleep and slow the heartpounding.
Morning Mas was sloppy and intense but ended with no J. First time in weeks, even months. One thing I do far less when I quit drinking is the Mas. Less nervous energy, I guess.
Sometimes I think I should let others here know who I am. My background. My perception that taking this job was a kind of performance art. But I cannot do that. When I leave I want everyone to remember me as one who they would have never guessed would be capable of something like this.
Man, I drink a lot of water. I felt like butt much of yesterday until I ingested water water water.
Yesterday is first in weeks when I did not go anywhere. No epic bus rides or Queens strambles. Goal is to take the Q44 from Jamaica to the Bronx Zoo. That looks like a beautiful, interesting ride.
