Walking across John Street, en route to my ritual Saturday cheese omelet and sausage patty (and banana) I ask why I keep doing this. This job. The first “job” job in 20 years and I’ve run thin on feeling committed. What am I talking about? I was never committed. This is a high turnover position and no one will care if I just stop showing up. That day will come. I targeted December 31, as a matter of fact. A Saturday. Make a clean break of it fiscally.
John Street called out to me today. The Trade Center, too. Come play with us, they said.
Sleep was a scrambled, sprawling mess. I didn’t know where I was. Morning Mas was satisfying, if 2 days late, facilitated and encouraged by the smiling face of a sweetheart seeming woman whose man’s cock resembles mine when it reaches full bore hard.
I had thoughts of bridges, and tunnels. Travel platters and tubes. I barely remember today’s subway passage, but will remember this week that there is no N from Manhattan to Queens. Must take the 7. Thought nothing of anyone I saw on the trains today because I could not see them. No glasses. Blurblobs. But such rich colors. That is the beauty of my blindness, for lack of vision I see truer colors, and they are soft, sweet, appetizing. Those colors kiss and caress me. Colors seen through corrective lenses serve their purpose but lack something. It’s like the difference between earthy, breathy sound of an LP record versus the sterile, perfect world of the compact disc.
When I look around the subway cars I see, blurblobs, an army of blurblobs. Stationary, at attention, separate, independent nations every last one of them.
Thoughts return to the possibility of Z. Tomorrow I may know more, or she may elude me once again. I’ve seen the whole inevitable drama play out. The moment I saw her hair, then the smile, and she stood in place while automatically in my mind her clothes dropped to the floor and my pants vanished. Will that moment come to pass? Will it be? She seems too happy. Too cheerful. Did she really have so much to talk about with those two dudes at the bar? Is she the neighborhood savior?