WIthout fail, successful sleep meets failed. I can barely open my eyes today. Slept straight up to the alarm, which is tantamount to being late, in my book, especially on a weekend.

Last night’s commute would have been unremarkable save for the appearance of a beautiful woman at 59th Street. I could barely look away, her thin legs, no ass,lightly-fitted shoes. She was glued to a video game on her phone and had no interest in the world around her save for the logistics of getting a seat on the W. Her face was focused but unstable. Too much makeup for such a natural beauty. A younger version of the woman I’m after

I got approved for Family Leave, even though I have no family. It means I can get paid to have panic attacks. You have to earn this privilige, a fact I find distasteful, but ti’s what it is. If you are hired new and experience anxiety or panic you are either expected to work through it or get docked pay for going AWOL. I have worked through it numerous times, sometimes reaching a brink of dysfunction that had me questioning my ability to coherently string two words together

Only twice in this year have I had to just give up. The terms of my Family Leave settlement are that I have up to 420 hours per year to freak out. In reality I wouldn’t expect to use more than 24 hours for this, if even that. But it’s good to have a comfortable buffer. A bumfortable cuffer.

I picked up More Lorazapam last night. My supply is solid now. 1mg most days, so a 30 day supply of 2mg tablets lasts 60 days, minus days like today where I took 1-1/2mg because of the sleep fail and the anxiety overhead that accompanies this. I do not stockpile pharmaceuticals for the purpose of one day gorging on them. That doesn’t really work with these meds anyway. I just like to have a supply for when insurance cancels itself, flakes out, when doctors or pharmacists fail in their duties. If I quit this job it would take weeks to navigate a path to Medicaid, because they deliberately make it such a puzzle.

They are trying to move me up in this company. Trying to get me into the realm where I don’t do as much work. I don’t know how I feel about that. I was a mucky-muck for several years and the worst part of it was that i didn’t get to do anything. I sat in meetings and took houra long lunches but most days I could not give a detailed account of having accomplished a single fucking thing. That’s where I’m headed here, if I let them have their way with me.