Something I’ve been afraid to say outloud to myself, for fear of what I do not know, is that I’ve been hopelessly, painfully lonely these past few years. I’ve made new friends, had some interesting/wonderful women pass through, but that doesn’t seem to help, as they are far away either physically or spiritually. I can, of course, blame myself. I’m kind of a mysanthrope with too-high standards when it comes to companionship and sharing. I compensate for that by oversharing online and wherever else. I waste energy and industry on the black holes of dating apps, where even perfection itself is never good enough. I also let myself drown in oblivion at the workplace. I have an unhealthy relationship with rank, and seniority. After 2 years here I still feel new, and this makes me feel like a child. Truth be told, they really do treat growed-ass adults here like children. But I would feel like a child regardless, because I still feel new. I also feel like this is a job I could walk out of at any time without looking back. On the other hand I go through the motions of appearing to desire upward movement in the org chart. To me that seems like a natural path to take at any job with growth potential, but here I find that I am almost alone in that outlook. Folks here love their dead end jobs and want to keep it that way. I totally get it. Being in management sucks. Having reports sucks. Being the boss doesn’t ‘have to suck but it almost always does. Long story short, I made a connection last night with another human, and it felt good. It felt real, and unexpected.