A correspondence with a dating site woman has kicked off in the usual stereotypical way. I write two or three complete sentences, she responds with a single word, at most two words. Breadcrumbing, it’s called. I hate it. I hate dating apps and the gamification of connecting with other humans. I don’t know why I bother but I know that my vulnerability to abusive relationships is a perfect fit for the deliberately addictive qualities and designs of these apps. Some part of my psyche feels I have no choice but to submit to these things because other options are limited. People will say “Go to a bar.” Yeah, that’s worked out real well for me. Lately I am trying to be more open and sociable at the workplace, but it’s not natural for me and by now everyone thinks I’m a recluse. I’m not really a recluse. It’s just that this is where I work and that is all it should be. No one here needs to know anything about my illustrious (heh) pasts, not to mention presents. (I inhabit multiple elemental planes of existence.)

The aforementioned dating app is of the traditional type. Women are swamped with potential suitors, many of them fraudster bots, while men’s inboxes are deserts. THis particular site is where someone I knew got scammed out of her life savings to a person or syndicate that fooled her into thinking she was talking to a Marine being held hostage by Isis in Afghanistan and they demanded a $100,000 ransom to set him free so that they (she and the Marine) could be together in freedom. It sounds pathetic and obvious but this was not an unintelligent woman who fell for this. A common reaction to this type of story is to label the victim a dumbass, but it’s far more complex than that. Emotional aspirations and a chance to be someone’s salvation can be a pretty heady power trip.

I’m also looking at one of the dating apps for people who are openly looking for sex of all eccentricities and pecadillos. I honestly find it kind of comical to see women in their early 20s claiming to be experienced dominatrixes, while the number of women looking for a daddy or a DDLG arrangement makes the place feel like an orphanage. A few people seem legit but mostly it feels like I’m staring into some kind of artificial world, a simulation.

I had a shitty day yesterday. Felt like death and I don’t even know why. Woke up at 3:30 and could not get back to sleep. Tried the Marines technique of relaxing all face muscles, then other extremeties, then imagining I was in a blissful place. For me that is the shower. I imagined myself holding the shower head to the back of my neck and feeling the hot water pour over me. It almost worked but I got a hypnic jerk that snapped me out of it. I tried other techniques to return to sleep but I ended up just getting out of bed and masturbating furiously in the shower but still feeling hyper-energized and restless. I got to work way early and felt incoherent most of the day. Things cleared up after lunch and some coffee but I don’t even know what that was about. It was first day back at work after 5 days off. I think I need more time off. I need something new. This job is starting to grow crabgrass on me.