Met up yesterday with someone i had not seen in something like 30 years. I guess I can call her an ex-lover, my first in NYC, and my first first, if you know what I mean. I had girlfriends in college but ours was a rather prudish generation. How many times I heard “I don’t want intercourse” and I, of course, obliged. I don’t remember it ending this way but her narrative is that she was sucking my cock when I said that she was my first. I don’t remember ever saying that to her but her memory seems mostly sharp. I don’t know, though. She dies not remember quite a few things that are etched and stretched into my memory as indelible parts of our story. But the upshot to me telling her sshe was my first is that the cocksucking stopped and she ended the relationship on the spot. She said she didn’t want to be my first. Yesterday we laughed about it. “What’s done is done.” While I don’t remember any incident like this it also sounds like a memory  I could have repressed. She also added that I showed up at her workplace the next day to ask if it was really over. There again, no memory whatsoever, and that also jusst does not sound like something I would do. I don’t really remember it ending decisively, but that could just me selfishly rationalizing. We did not have sex yesterday but I would be OK with it, not expecting or even suggesting, but it seems to be in the air. I told her everything I could remember about my women friends and sex lives over the ysears. She herself had been engaged 5 times but never married, yet she seemed genuinely amazed at my track record. Maybe she would not have expected it of someone who was relatively timid when we were together. She made me nervous and caused feelings of inadequacy.  Her mind moves fast, faster than I can keep up with, and it does not stop or go into hiding during sexual acts. That has not changed a whit in 30 years. I shoudl add that she called me on the phone all the way out of nowhere, with no glimmer of a clue except for the fact that she had called my Payphone Radio the night before. I saw her name on the call records and kind of froze. How did she find this? What is she looking for? Is she looking for herself? If she was she found it, which is amazing given the chances that among 60+ hours of audio on Payphone Radio she happened to tune in just as I was talking about being on the very street she lives on now, and where she lived at the time I made the comments. It’s almost like I did it deliberately, don’t you think? When I saw she’d been dialing in I imagined her remembering a line from an argument we had. She would go to school and work and come home and there were usually a few answering machine messages from me, just checking in and sharing thoughts of the day. I thought she appreciated it, I mean I know she did. But in one of our arguments she claimed that I didn’t need her, I needed her answering machine. It might have been good for a laugh if not for the tone in which she said it. So when I saw her name on the call logs I imagined her reprising that sentiment, saying “After all this time it’s still ture. All he needs is a fucking answering machine.”