I blocked her number. I don’t think I’ve ever done that except for spam callers. But I don’t want to waste her time any more than I want her to waste mine. Thinking now about the shots across the bow. The warning signs. The obvious alarm bells. But I knew all along. I am not naive about my tendencies to end up in abusive and even toxic relationships. I summon the abuse. It would never arise without me. To them it is not abusive at all. It’s just an opening that seems congenial and functional but in fact it impugns my dignity and lessens my self-respect, which has never been good to begin with.
I took an extra dose of the panic pill. I didn’t sleep well, waking at midnight and sleeping fitfully until 4:30. Sometimes I think sleep is overrated. SOmething I discovered recently was how serene sleep can be if I take my suite of BP and anxiety meds in the morning then go back to bed. It’s like I’m floating, or sailing on a cloud of rest. The pills do that, or so it seems. This is a newish experiment, and one I only dip into on days off of work. I’m looking forward to trying it again tomorrow.
Subways last night were irritating as fuck. I decided to revisit my previous route, taking the 4/5 express to Times Square, the 7 to Queensboro Plaza, and the N/W. Yes, it’s three stations and two transfers, but in the past it worked perfectly pretty much every single time. Not this time. The stairs I used to get to the 7 are suddenly closed off with wood scaffolding. I didn’t trust the elevator so had to find the other set of stairs. Platforms are even more congested than ever thanks to all this wood paneling closing off stairs and other facilities. The N/W was also delayed, and upon arrival it was packed like a porn king in tight pants. The better route, as a co-worker has said, is just get the N/W from Courtlandt and forget about transfers and connections. It’s like a secret passage for a rush hour commute, a nearly empty train upon arrival and a direct, if somewhat slower route to the destination.
Speaking of the destination, I have not kept up with local businesses in Astoria the last few years. I had no idea we’d lost so many bars, and I wonder if the trend toward sobriety among younger people has played any role in these places closing. Gone are Broadway Station, Gilbey’s, Astoria Bier and Cheese, Twist and Smash’d (however that’s spelled), and I think Bartolino’s, in its move up to 21st Avenue, got rid of the Tippin Inn along the way, but I’m not clear if that place didn’t close before the move. Bartolino’s was a favorite of mine but moving up to 21st Avenue makes it basically dead to me, which is just as well since I can no longer afford places like that.
The Walgreens on Crescent at 34th Avenue remains empty, though onlinne it remains a popular choice for scam locksmith operations that use the address to make themselves look like they have a physical presence in Astoria when really their business is run from some other country.
The strip of shops on 34th Avenue between 28th Street and Crescent is basically dead. It annoys me that the large space that used to be a second-hand shop, and before that a string of night clubs, is today privately occupied by production studios who use these once-public spaces as their private closets. Unless the social club is still active I believe that to be the only activity happening on that block.
