It was the way she looked at me. I recognize that look. Sizing me up to determine if I am single. I am. She didn’t ask but the other dudes there all had wedding bands and she seemed to know them as bar buddies with wives at home.
She looked at me with that element of inquiry. Surprising to find someone at a bar who is articulate, intelligent, seemingly decent and kind. Maybe she knows me already. The thicket of middle aged women on the Astoria bar scene can’t be too populous.
By destiny I don’t mean the rest of my life. Destiny could be good for 15 minutes. I felt myself falling into another potentially abusive relationship, even as she exhibited no signs of that behaviour. But she wasn’t just talking to me.
…
I woke at 5am from a dream in which all the lights had gone out. It felt real because I’d been dreaming of some loud noise of machinery grinding, all of it suddenly silenced and I, awake, asking it it really happened. Did Ian make it up here overnight? What happened to the house in FL? Word was things were kicking up around late afternoon yesterday, and it slowed down over central FL, which is more or less where the house is. Seems Tampa dodged yet another bullet. There will be damage but nothing catastrophic for Tampa Bay. Looks like southern FL got that. How’s Mar-a-Lago holding up?
…
Images from RIkers crossed the newsies today. Images don’t get out too often but they look familiar to me, in a way, after I spent hours poring over prison surveillance videos as part of a job last year. At Rikers it seems the inmates take care of themselves. Most of those people are there for pre-arraignment, just in holding. Many could be innocent.
But the place looks like hell. On par with the infamous MCC/Metropolitan Correctional Center, where very little “correctional” work is accomplished.
I talk to some of the Rikers peeps. I recognize some of the names, and I know what they did. 2nd Degree murder. Assault. Weapons possession. Being there it’s like they’re naked all the time, or might as well be. Caged like animals, sometimes for 24 hours, as overextended COs can’t keep up with the gangs and the lawlessness. No one wants that job.
…
I popped my pills on the subway today. I’d never done that. Felt something rising, some BP/anxiety confluence. I usually wait until I’m here at thte desk, because the pills can have a certain effect on me that could make me lose footing. It brings BP down drastically, and dramatically. So I prefer to be seated when I pop these pills.
I found it awkward doing this among strangers. I kept asking myself if there was any place I could be alone. I didn’t want people seeing me pop pills. They might think thesse were illegal but they are not. But that wouldn’t stop them from reporting it as suspicious.
I just wanted the pills and I wanted then at that moment. I maneged to get them from the bottles and into my hand without drawing attention to this maneuver. I had my Jack Welch moment, when I though I shall always have an 8 ounce bottle of water in my satchel for purposes of emergency pill popping. That Jack Welch moment was fulfilled. I swallowed three full pills on the subway and do not think this attracted anyone’s attention. And why should it, except that I do not like being a pill-popper whose physical serenity relies on pharmaceuticals.
…
The trip through Bellerose was interesting. Clusters of mental health facilities with opaque names. Creedmore dominates. I was on a Q46 bus with a bunch of high school kids. One of them looked at me, suspiciously, it seemed. They talk freely, guilelessly, but I seldom know what they are talking about. Still, I like the vibe, the earnestness at times. Kids trying to prove themselves. Gawky youth. Sometimes I feel I never left the high school schoolyard. Then I think yes, I did. I left it far, far behind.
Wsandering Alley Pond Park yesterday, that might be a defining moment for me this year. I knew it had to end somewhere, but when? It was tick season, too, so there’s that element of fun.
Parks does a good job of making the paths passable after large trees come down. I encountered only one path where I had to step over a fallen tree to continue. ALl other paths were cleared.
I made video but it’s all terrible. The cideo I came for, however, is choice. Dead rats in traps by a dumpster at an upscale residential complex. Disgusting to see but necessary, it seems.
Subway ride was uneventful. I want the woman to see my fall fashion statement. I think she’ll be positively impressed. But we’ve been missing each other on the trains.
Is that woman my new destiny? I don’t know her name or when to expect her presence again. I’ll pass by the bar to see what’s what. She had me thinking there was a future in a so-called “real” relationship, the likes of which I have eschewed and chewed…
