Days are days are days. Daisies, dazed, on the dais. The difference between being in a structured environment and just doing whatever I feel like is stark. I’m like a different person, except, of course, I am not a different person. The job could end today for all I care. Any seasonal job would likely pay much better, albeit with ample hours of overtime.
Had an absolutely wild sex dream last night. It involved someone I just barely know, and about whom I know nothing whatsoever about her sexuality. But she was a ©ock star in my dream last night. I woke up laughing at the absurdity of it, even as there was a whiff of regret in the dream. It turned out all I had to do was give some signal that I liked her and she’d do anything and everything for me. In the dream it seemed sad but in the reality of today it seems I already knew that and addressed that character flaw a long time ago.
I am at a coffee shop and wow I really hate it here. But I cannot write at home anymore. I just don’t know why but the years accumulate and create a kind of temporal claustrophobia. That must be it. I’m getting out of here.
…
It is later. At a dimly lit bar, which I’ve been frequenting for a few months now. I have quite a history with the various bars around Astoria. This place I thought could be a cross between sanctuary, meaning safe from the sordid pasts (because this place seemed to me like it was located too far away to attract the individuals who comprise those sordid pasts) and fresh start in terms of meeting new people. I like my job and all but making friends there has not been easy. I’m not garrulous to begin with but the atmosphere of the place just doesn’t align with chit chat of any depth. And anyway, I don’t really need anybody there knowing who I am beyond my functions of doing the job. So why am I complaining about not making friends there when I shouldn’t even be considering it?
There was one dude I was talking to. I asked what he had going on for the weekend. I think he’s about 30. He said he’s been on the dating apps and going out with a few women here or there. He then proceeded to do what I would never do, never again at least. He showed off his conquests. Well, conquest, singular. A cute picture but it reminded me how I boycotted myself from advertising any relationships or encounters these past several years, since the big breakup from the relationship where it seemed every step we took was posted to social media. It wasn’t that over-the-top the way some couples are on social media but it was more than I was comfortable with. I never said anything because of the anger that would greet me in return. It was that kind of relationship. But Christ we even posted pictures of ourselves naked (under the sheets) in bed. I didn’t like that at all.
I don’t mean to rag on the dude who showed off his cute Tinder date. He didn’t do anything wrong. But I did not and would not return the gesture. True to the nature of the job our conversation ended mid-sentence, which was fine with me.
What am I doing here? Loud music, people I don’t know, dark, someone coughing up a gut a few seats over. Ah, the bar scene.
I get boosted tomorrow. I told the job I’d be in by 1pm but I read some other peoples’ account of the side effects from this particular booster and I think I should just call out for the day. Maybe even 2 days, as my boss suggested. That would make for 4 consecutive days of unstructured time. That starts to feel dangerous to me now. I slept until 7:30 today. That’s not healthy when I get up at 6am most other days.
I spent a good chunk of the day giving a freeware video editor a shot. I’d like to be able to quit paying for the Adobe Suite but I keep it mostly for Premiere Pro, but also Audition and Photoshop. For the most part I only skim the surface of what those programs are capable of but something about knowing I have all that power at my disposal satisfies some sort of hubris in me. Paying for shit I don’t need or even know how to use. What’s more Mark Thomas than that?
So I tried Kdenlive, hoping to be able to accomplish in it the relatively simple things I typically get done with Premiere Pro. It did not go well. Almost every attempt to render even a short set of clips into one clip crashed. One attempt succeeded, giving me reason to try try and try again. But that was it. A dozen or so attempts and I said to hell with it. My PC’s specs are hearty enough to run Premiere Pro so I wouldn’t think that’s the problem. I also optimized it to use GPU 100%. I will give it another chance but today’s first attempts were not inspiring. A seemingly simple task…
I also did something else new at the computer last night. I played some video games. Some years back I bought a shit ton of games off Steam. I don’t remember the motivation because I’m really not much for gaming. I think I was motivated by a friend who wanted to go head to head in some multiplayer game. I think I also just wanted to experience the great work being done in that realm. So much great talent and endless grunt work goes into building games.
So when I spotted that Steam was selling what are said to be the greatest games of their kind for 99 cents I thought I’d revisit my stash of games again. I bought the 99 cent games, too. Portal and Portal 2, Half-Life, and I don’t remember the other.
Who cares…
I am sitting in front of an iTouch10Plus gaming machine. I used to own these machines, man. I mean I never owned one at my home. I just owned the high scores on one game after another.
They have I don’t know how many games on them, I owned all the word games and tons of others. I don’t know if it is still true but at a dive bar on 36th Avenue my name occupied all the high scores for several games for I don’t even know how many years. I think they finally had a power outage or something that caused all high scores to be vaporized. But my legacy was there for 6 or 7 years.
LEGACY!
