It looks like I found a dom. I thought she was playing games, and maybe she was at first. But this is shaping up to be something emotionally productive. I may have a lot to learn about this arrangement, or it may be totally natural for me, given my propensity for getting into abusive relationships. This would be good abuse. Abuse with limits and conditions. Discretion is key for both of us, so maybe this is all I shall say about it publicly.

This does mean I can take my mind off the possible connection with someone here at work. I kept distant because I simply don’t want to get into an office romance, but also because she just seems too fucking nice for me. Not an ounce of anything but joy and sunshine.

I went out yesterday in search of Murray Hill, Queens. I don’t think I found it, and it revealed to me that what they say is true. Murray Hill in Queens might not really exist. That’s meant kind of as a joke but still, I was there a but it didn’t feel like I was anywhere.

I finally made my way through Willets Point, that hardscrabble sprawl of autorepair and body shops. It’s been under threat of destruction for I don’t know how long but somehow it just keeps on keeping on. Have not watched my video from there yet but hope it turned out well enough. I felt like I should be nervous but these are all public city streets, not private driveways or lots. A similar sense inhabits a large space between Calvary Cemetery and Grand Avenue. It’s kind of a shortcut from West Maspeth to Bushwick. It feels like a private industrial park but it’s all labeled public city streets.

So I spent much of the afternoon wandering Queens again, just like olden times. Buses were crowded and noisy, but I made 8k video from the Q66. I spent some of my mental cycles thinking about the new woman, and where it might go. Things progressed rapidly last night. But not too rapidly. But I did spend some of my energies thinking it was another waste of time, like climbing a ladder to nowhere.

I feel good today. Something about that conversation last night settled me down. I also think I slept well after the day’s long stramble. It was in the 70s and I feel I got some good sun on this body. I noticed my legs look different. Cannot quite explain how they look different but they do. I guess sitting at a desk as much as I do now, versus wandering fouble-digit miles almost every single day, would have it imapcts on me. I remain at about 170 pounds but feel fatter somehow. The podiatrist’s writeup of last week’s perfectly unneeded visit mentioned that I am considered overweight. I should be 155, not 170, I think is what it said. I do have belly fat. If I quit drinking beer that would almost certainly evaporate. I’ve seen that happen to many others with similar body types as mine.

I also spotted a new-to-me telephone exchange name number. It’s a retro-usage but the old number is still in use today in modern 10-digit form. I think it was HIckory 7-6000. I’d never heard of the HIckory exchange until now but I never claimed to be an encyclopedia of that stuff. I love finding those old phone numbers.

I also checked on one of the odder payphone carcasses that lines our streets. It is very low to the ground but unlikely to have always been that way. Entropy is slowly calling it homeward.

Oh and something crazy happened with the Talk To Me project. It looks like someone filed a 311 complaint about one of the phones, and next thing you knew it was gone, removed by CityBridge contractors who I assume were unaware that CityBridge has a good working relationship with the artist behind Talk To Me.

You can’t lie about it. The phones are out there illegally. But still, who would go to the trouble or take the time out of their precious day to complain about something like that? Then again, any project involving hijacking public space and which relies on a functioning network of public pay telephones is at peril from the get-go.

This job. How much longer can I handle it? I panic sometimes, and have to go home, or just get the fuck away from this place. I have many, many triggers. I guess I knew that but they’ve been activated much more forcefully than I anticipated. Meds help control it but sometimes they don’t work or sometimes I only take half dosages. I do that to conserve and also to make myself believe that I don’t need full dosages. I don’t like popping pills. But they do work, when they work. Yeah, right.