The PBX encountered something I never thought it would. It filled to capacity with .wav files, every last one of them needless and superfluous since I eliminated the “glitch” that was not a glitch. Or did I eliminate it? I don’t even remember. Yesterday, calls to 212-255-2748 went to a weird sounding voicemail based not at the PBX but at the DID provider. The glitch had been that if 2 people called that number at the same time, they would be in a conference, and they could talk. I knew that was the case but never expected anyone to find it. Someone did and it became a brief sensation. Now it is an occasional pit stop for people who need a place to talk about whatever they need to talk about. Little do they know it is all recorded but there’s not a chance in hell I’d ever find anything specific in the hours of what would be 99% silence.
It’s too boring to explain in detail but it’s a symptom of… something … that my web presences seem to fill to capacity, disabling basic functionality because there is no room at the inn. Starting around the 20th of every month the dedicated server starts sending “DISKCRITICAL” warnings that the dedserv is at 99.0186% disk storage capacity. I set up a bunch of sloppy crons that do the job of freeing space but it only lasts the day. The server is almost 10 years old, or at least that’s how long I’ve been leasing it. It may have had a past before I got it.
Sometimes I imagine that something I do every single day is actually a criminal act, and that being observed or coerced into doing the act in public will land me in a violent prison where torture and dismemberment are routine. I would have to be some kind of sociopath to be doing this because I can’t think of any criminal behavior I engage in. Sometimes I walk onto the street when sidewalks are too crowded. That is illegal, and I was once warned about it by a Times Square NYPD dude who looked like he was 13 years old. But will I be sent to a death camp for this? What about the times I masturbate to the memory of a woman I used to know, used to have consensual and vanilla sex free of any kink or eccentricity. What if I masturbate to memories of her, of us? Is that criminal? Is it criminal to masturbate to memories of women I never knew, who I only saw in the subways or buses, or online? I think there is a rule about taking pictures of people in public with the intent of masturbating to them in the privacy of your home. I can’t imagine ever doing something like that but it could happen accidentally, incidentally. Would I wake up getting sodomized at Rikers in the event this happened, even just once? Honestly this discussion is getting kind of icky, which is by design. I want to flesh out ickiness and compare it to my behaviors, which include only particles of resemblance to anything described here. I want to know what I might be doing in life that could get me incarcerated while I have no idea the behavior is considered criminal or deviant.
I think I was remembering a death row criinal who murdered one person when he was 18 or 19. I don’t remember the details but in his last interview he made a comment that stuck with me. He said he didn’t think capital punichment was for “people like me.” He thought it was reserved for Yed Buncy and Jeffrey Dahmer, not people who did awful things at a confused time in their young lives. Maybe I am doing awful things at this confused and lonesome period of my life. The dossier is being assembled. Someone is watching. I will be caught.