On the subway yesterday, amid some confusion about whather the 6 train was continuing on to Fulton Street from City Hall, I obliquely noticed the presence of someone who works at this place. I believe he is a “Manager” but like so many people here I have no idea what he does or who he is. All I can say for certain is that he walks around this place like a fucking poobah, never acknowledging anybody’s existence or saying a word. I’ve shared elevator rides and made countless passages in the hallways and wherever, always ending the encounters with a feeling that, to him, I did not exist, or that I was not worth acknowledging.
It’s true that I am, probably to my detriment, hung up on RANK. I regard myself as the scrub of this place, scum of the lakebottom, the bottom rung worker with no future and a meaningless past. I should be ignored until absolute necessity arises, and I maintain my policy that I speak when spoken to. I trust no one. I speak when spoken to. My heroics are greeted with a dull yawn. Failures are greeted with a “ZERO” war.
So it was with small interest that I noticed this dude on the subway yesterday. He gestured toward me, leaned toward me, made some effort to express recognition and maybe even camaraderie. Why? Why here, on the subway, when countless opportunities to make such a gesture had passed in the different environment of the workplace?
I ignored him. I pretended not to even see him, just as he had done to me so many times over.
I imagine that he saw the real world as a place where his authority meant something different. In the office he was an unapproachable king. In the real world he possibly granted himself ongoing authority over low-ranking peeps, but in a more congenial manner. Still, I don’t know what the hell he does here. He usually sits in a corner, basking in something.
Someone here announced she is quitting, her last day Saturday. She sees this place the same as I do. It’s a dead end. One way to make a dead end, low paying job work is to befriend someone at the job, but I’ve been unable to make that happen. I tried a lot harder in the first year or so but lately I just don’t even try. I say as little as possible. The woman who is quitting called me her “silent strength,” opening up that she really liked me a lot. I didn’t expect that but my reputation for silence was affirmed. At one point, around the holidays, she revealed that she found me to be a “very interesting person” and she wanted to spend time outside of the office. I was like, nope. Not this time, not at this workplace.