Roles reversed

Now the roles are reversed. The placements, that is. I am sitting where she sat earlier today. I have no fascination with this person. It’s just that this job gives one precious little to think about, to stretch the legs...

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Boost

I get boosted again on Monday. Word is that most others who’ve done this ended up knocked out for 2 days. I don’t know if they are really feeling like butt or just taking advantage of the paid time off. I’ll see how I feel....

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Thanksgiving Day

November 24 2022 811am I don’t know why but my heart was pounding at a rapid pace last night. I think I ate something way too high in sugar or carbs. Could it be tapioca pudding? I thought that was all good stuff but the package...

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Edits

Spent some time at the cemetery today. I don’t remember how long it had been, but I can’t have been there much since starting the full time job. The chapel remains closed, which is a bummer. A sign up front...

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Sunday

Can’t decide if this is really a day. I feel fine, which has not been normal for weekends. Not certain I want to make another try for it with the woman at the bar. She looks to be locked in a state of permanent glee, which...

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Another week

I lived yesterday with a little secret. I seem to have done it again. I caused myself bodily harm....

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What to say

Subways a mess today. No W at all. N was only supposed to get to Queensboro Plaza but ended up making it to Manhattan after all. Conflicting announcements at the station but that’s nothing new. I could stand to make the 7...

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Surprised to be alive

I don’t know how smartly I am handling the concoctions, the cocktails of blood pressure and anxiety meds in cahoots with the drinking. Last night I felt chest pressure. Not pain, exactly. But discomfort. It eased on its...

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New seat

I took a new seat today. No doubt the gossip mill will chatter. Thinking about the absurdity of the woman on the train. Our faces, inches apart, unable to communicate even though we do, but anonymously. I comment on her blog...

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Motoric

Today we sat face to face for the first time. No words, of course. That would shatter the density. For someone who has, at times, loomed so relatively large in my life, I am taken aback to find her body small. Pencil-thin, even....

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Rain

It did not amount to the torrential downpours promised by the weatherbugs but there has been some...

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Rain

There will be rain today. Torrential. It’s the end of Nicole, which rolled through Florida and parts between there and here. Just commented to someone about this job. I feel like a clown sometimes. I’ve heard others...

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Blanketgasm

When I cover myself with blankets I feel sage. Like the always-enviable female orgasm.

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Bad weekend

BY THE TIME WE GOT TO WOODSTOCK ALL I WANTED WAS THE AIR. WE HAD JOKED THE JOKES, TOKED THE TOKES, I COULD SMELL IT EVERYWHERE. THE COWSHIT MADE THE POT SMELL VERDANT BUT THE ATMOSPHERE FELT SODDEN, AND OBVIOUS. INCONSEQUENTIAL...

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14229042720556

What does it mean? That 14-digit number stamped on the bottom of most paper cups deployed at this place of work? The number is always the same, but not always present. A fresh batch of cups is numberless on its buttockular...

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Shirt. Socks. Feet. Move.

I became preternaturally consumed by the sound of putting on a shirt today. The rustle, the thunder, the necessity of it. I changed shirts when one proved too slovenly. Sartorially I am not a fashionista but I have some...

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MASKET PLACE

That’s supposed to be MARKET PLACE but they spell it wrong on every single sandwich, sushi,...

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I do not know

Some mornings it seems I’m putting my heart — the physical blood-pumping organ and not the doleful, vulnerable heart — through a type of calisthenics (sp?). Showering raises the BP, Morning Mas raises it and...

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Plans go awry.

I thought yesterday, Wednesday, would be a whirlwind. I’d get to Jamaica via Flushing, where I would find the Q44. I’ve wanted to ride and record on video that entire trip. It would likely not be as glorious as I...

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Drink porn

I swear I just heard somebody say they “drink porn.” I can relate. Drink Porn, Eat Beer. I recently discovered a professional masturbator who looks so much like an ex-gf of mine it’s just fucking weird....

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Leave

At home today. Maybe all day. Maybe all week, all year, all life. Feeling the pull, away from the job I so wanted. You could even say it was a dream job of mine. It has not morphed into a nightmare. It’s not like that....

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Options

I was up late, masturbating and looking at financial options between now and end of this year 2022. I have a stash of savings I could dip into. It’s a thing now because I am officially losing money at this job. I mean I...

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Flatbush

Thinking I had invaded in a new-to-me area I was slightly bummed to find that I had, in fact, been there already. No big deal that. I don’t thirst for the new in all things. But my last pass through that area was with a...

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Why am I still here?

Walking across John Street, en route to my ritual Saturday cheese omelet and sausage patty (and banana) I ask why I keep doing this. This job. The first “job” job in 20 years and I’ve run thin on feeling...

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The Yonkers Side of Things

The Tom Kaminski Eye in the Sky experience is harsh. I don’t listen closely, since I don’t drive or have reason to care about traffic conditions on the highways and byways. I hear him out in anticipation of the...

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How to interpret

I don’t know if there is anything to interpret from last night’s none-encounter. I sat at the front, she made a beeline to the back, where she enmeshed herself between two men, greeting them with embraces and kisses....

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Thought scrambles

Sometimes I stop and think about it: Why did my mind just flood with a memory of being a certain age, I don’t remember what but somewhere around 14 to 16? It was an age when I was supposed to be granted a summary gift, a...

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Breakfast

I start to think the breakfast I consume most days, on workdays specifically, is not real. It’s not that the eggs are fake, or made of plastic, or synthetics. It’s not that the sausage is some kind of frankenfood,...

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Phone found

I was confronted with a challenge, but I knew enough to know who to ask. It is yet another “last payphone of New York” although it does not quite fit the description that DoITT and the City lied about when removing...

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Every day

 I don’t know why I keep at this. This job. Another week, another month, another sense of structure that seductively makes me feel valued when I know I am not. I savor the free water. It is so good. Best water ever. Free...

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Mystery burn

I discovered something I have not encountered in some time. A mystery injury. I have no idea where a red sore spot came from. Is it a burn? It looks like a burn, but from what? Is it a blemish? I have committed only minor...

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What is love?

I reconnected with some friends last night, first time since pandemic. These are bar buddies, where conversations start articulate but invariably go down the syphon hole of disappearance. Much of what we discuss is forgotten....

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Rookie mistake

Seems so dumb, but it suited the tiny way I felt this day. Thought I was getting some good stuff. I wanted to do another MTA bus time capsule, this time the Q88 from Queens Place to Queens Village. I had a pitiful connection...

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Erotic dreams about an ex

Sometimes I think I let her get away. I didn’t try hard enough. I didn’t listen. She liked me a lot. I was in an unhealthy place. I was the horny lapdog who would do anything to please her, any kind of flattery when...

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10 Years

Once in a while I hear someone refer to a “recurring” event or a “repeat” incident. When I think of something recurring I assume the span of time between occurrences is relatively small. A day, a week,...

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Small Things Move

The passage of my feet over a small piece of rug in the bathroom causes the rug to move a fraction of an inch with every contact. I do not aggressively move the piece of material. I don’t consider it, not much at least,...

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Landing

Feel small. Vulnerable. Prone to abuse. Willing to let myself get trapped in a bad situation, a bad relationship. Willing to let it happen with a feeble crutch of an excuse that I am a free person of no responsibility who can...

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Fired?

I have a feeling I’ll get fired today. Friday. I’d deserve it. I’ve been burned out and barely showing up. The hours feel like days. I’ve gotten everything I wanted from this job, without articulating...

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Morning

She was there. I was there. Her smile radiated from across the room. She seemed to be by herself. I could have said something, but I did not. I wanted to look consistent in my comings and goings. And honestly, I didn’t...

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Waiting

Made my first legitimate attempt at artsy video today. Will likely not post it anywhere. It’s a first try. A juvenilia, if you will. I  secretly recorded video of a woman texting on the subway. You cannot tell anything who...

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What am I doing?

I don’t think or see how a day could go by without an increment of accumulation in my mind. The ever increasingness of everything. I see a license plate. Its first letter is K. K is, with the exception of vanity,...

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Not now

Job is starting to pile up on me. Starting? It’s been there for weeks, months even. I don’t care about getting fired. Would prefer it to quitting, given my original reasons for taking this gig. Got in late. Subways...

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Too much?

Certain people, it seems, will allow anything from me. I’ve known them so long, overshared so much, that nothing should surprise by now. Nothing much, at least. Such was the trajectory last night, it seemed, when talk...

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Saturday

Subways slightly skewed this am. No N to Manhattan, so the 7 it was, a commute I’d consider if only for the escalator transfer to the 4/5.  But I think it adds a few minutes, and minutes matter. I feel interesting today. I...

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The question becomes…

Have I gotten everything I wanted from this job? What would happen if I quit today? Could I walk into a bar and get a job? I’ve never worked a bar, but I know the culture. The benefits here have not been as magical as they...

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Z

All eyes, all of mine at least, were on Z today, and last night. Is she my destiny? Am I hers? Are we each other’s density? By virtue of her distinctive name I was able to piece together a rough profile of a talented...

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Sees me around

Kind of unsettling encounter yesterday. Should I even write about it? At a 99 cent shop yesterday I heard someone call out my name. I turned back and saw a group of high school kids. No one I knew. I turned back. My name was...

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Bad coffee redux

Sitting at a coffee chop… think I’ll leave that typo. A lot of typos get through here on account of no spell check and the small screen. I often make a quick pass at fixing them later, at home. Cold got here quickly....

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Shit splift

Waiting for the drugs to take effect. What to do, starting tomorrow, with three days “leave”? Actually on two days “leave” since Wednesday is the usual day off. I like being here but I check in and out...

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Toll-free

I finally set up my own toll-free number, possibly for a limited time. I want to use it for payphone calls, coinless calls, now that one of the last working phones in New York is jammed with dimes. I don’t think PTS...

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Found Hell On Earth For Rats in Bellerose (Gross)

I originally posted this to YouTube but decided it was not appropriate for that platform. Nobody complained, exactly. I mean, no one reported it for being disgusting. But one comment was enough to make me decide it was better...

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Shoes

I thought wearing the solid shoes today would feel oppressive, or tight. It does not. I usually wear sandals and black socks, not as a fashion statement but because I started experiencing foot weirdness which I blamed on wearing...

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