Found Hell On Earth For Rats in Bellerose (Gross)

I originally posted this to YouTube but decided it was not appropriate for that platform. Nobody complained, exactly. I mean, no one reported it for being disgusting. But one comment was enough to make me decide it was better...

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Last night,

Whilst writing the previous blip of nothingness I found myself speaking with a woman. She felt like my destiny. I was not overwhelmed with love or passion. It wasn’t like that. She just made sense. Thin, my age (guessing),...

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All eyes on the eye

Why do hurricans always have to “barrel” through? Why can’t they bottle or jar through? Hoping this one nottles and cans through.The house I grew up in is sufficiently inland that storm surge is no threat. But...

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Storm

My grade school and the college where I took piano lessons will probably flood in the coming days. I can’t stand to watch and don’t think I will but my old hometown is finally facing its rubicon. Or is it? Time will...

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Alex

A dream felt so real that the alarm clock tinkling me awake and out of it made me laugh. The dream had me looking forward to an indeterminate length of time in prison, albeit a relatively luxurious prison with rack after rack of...

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Midday

I talked to a homeless person for 20 minutes. He claims to have written 30 books. Or did he say 20? I don’t remember. A high-minded seeming bloke who claims he’s been in the country 34 years undocumented. He had a...

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Being wrong

Being wrong is never right, and I think that is wrong. Of course being wrong is wrong. but getting something wrong is right if it opens a path to getting it right. So true especially when getting it right was never predicted,...

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Still surprised

The renewal of the Lorazapam before the 30 day expectation is cause for pause. It motivated me to gorge on a full 2mg today. Something I’ve never understood about the current intake is why I can drink booze the same day...

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Gimlet glasses

Something about a recent batch of porn that I watched has me, somewhat comically, imagining everyday women I encounter doing the sort of moves seen on the cams, on the Usenet, on the .porn TLD (if there even is one). Woman...

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Wrong day

Everything felt wrong today. The stormclouds. My shirt screamed at me “WE ARE BEING CENSORED!” It was a popup advertisement from a website I’d just been looking at, somehow activated while in my pocket. The...

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More coffee I don’t like

I still don’t like the coffee here, but here I am again, racking up another notch on the repeat customer card so I can get a free cup of coffee I will not like after drinking 10 cups of it. I’m on a hookup app where...

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Strange touch

Yesterday I felt a strange touch. A woman I once came close to loving, who I wanted to love, who I would have loved if we simply had more time together… How’s that for an intro of woe? Aha, I care not for loves lost,...

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In a coffee shop

I don’t like the coffee here. Nor the atmosphere. But it is somewhere. I am inside. Outside, sitting at a table, is a grey-haired man writing notes into a notebook. His hand is shaking. It looks like the opening line is...

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Water

A column in the Times today affirms the value of a perk I didn’t realize was a perk. The water cooler. It is an occasional thorn in the side of my otherwise peaceful workday. Sometimes the water is not cold. The horror!...

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Today is the day…

An ever-beloved ex used to have a blog that started out with that tagline. Today is the day. I think of it not every single day but many days. Will today be the day I quit drinking? The morning seems beautiful and leaning toward...

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I’m Here

Mind speeling, reeling, for no reason except morning mental mas, mental stramble. Looked around on the subway car today, express train roaring past stations, stationary light bulbs turned to streaming screams of light. I asked...

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Boneyard and Bad Dreams

I made a dash to Calvary yesterday, for no reputable or clear reason. I wanted to see if the chapel was open, not expecting it to be. It remains closed since Covid. They may have conducted some services in there but its former...

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Another week

I seem to have made it through another week at this job. This yob. I’d always wanted this job, and for the opening months I might have been as happy with this life as I’d ever been. That’s not to imply that I...

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Dream of the 181

I dreamed there was a celebratory type closeout of the mail room where my old 181 used to be. I don’t know what has happened to that room, or what awaits the old post office. It’s a big space that could house...

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For all time

On a phone from 15 years ago I received a text message from Charles M. Schulz, announcing his death. The message went to only a few of his most loyal friends and followers, myself among them for reasons I could not fathom.Others...

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988: Don’t Do It.

No thanks. The last time I called the suicide hotline I ended up naked on the cold concrete floor of a holding cell and fined $274. Because feeling hopeless is criminal in Texas. So same shit, different phone number? I'll...

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So clever

I do this stupid thing. Mini OCD. Any time I throw the phone into my bag I give myself a mental pat on the back for being so cloever. I might ask “Who but I would have found that space between the Jelly Belly Sours and the...

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No salt. No pepper.

Breaking in the new breakfast place might take more work than expected. She asked if I wanted “salt pepper ketchup?” I said “salt and pepper” but apparently I did not say it loud enough. I had to resort...

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Mumbles

I’ll make it to the bar tonight. I will. I really will. Just for one and done. I want to make this area feel like something more than where I work, eat, shit, and sometimes jerk off. The bar looked inviting last night. It...

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Labor day Pix

Nothing Labor-y about these. The Spotted Lanternfly has penetrated the office building where I...

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Morning mumbles

I went full tilt on the pills. Today is going to reak of boredom. Major holiday on this job.I spotted a squished lanternfly inside this building, in the lobby. They must have penetrated the offices, and the cubes. With cooling...

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Much more calm

I don’t know if it is just the daily cycle or the conversation I just had with a woman I felt myself falling in love with. She’s looking out for her homeless friend, moved here in April. I heard her say, to someone...

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The desperation of boredom

Nothing seems able to quench the boredom today. Others here look forward to slow days. I don’t dread them, as the leisurely pace of things has its merits. Its attractions. But I don’t know anybody here, and getting...

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Shit show

Those previous pictures, showing what I guess is human feces (I didn’t look too closely because yuck) on the Fulton Street subway station elevator reminds me of the historic tale of yore. For most who were around for this...

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How much longer?

I start to think I’m getting a free pass at this job. I remember now how jumpy I was those first months. I take the work seriously as ever but I admit that I took it a little too seriously at first. I overthink. It’s...

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Might be…

Might be burnout time for this job. The job itself, and a sorry discovery that the illustrious “bennies” don’t cover squat. The dental coverage is as minimal as possible. I’m getting addicted to BP and...

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Letting it all go to hell.

$4k dental bill when DC37 claimed to have it all covered.  Why did I stay with government this many months? Air conditioning. It was the air conditioning.

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Numerologisms

Who knew numbers could be so confusing… There’s no “foxtrot” sequence for numbers, although I’ve heard people  use “echo” for the number 5. What confuses me at times is when I say, for...

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Allowed

There she was again, on the train, as pretty as I am allowed to remember. Officially I know not what her face looks like. Officially I know not what she looks like naked. Officially I know not her intellect and talents....

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Smears of happiness

There are certain moments I remember, seemingly for no reason but probably prompted by a trigger. One memory of late is the way my mother and I sometimes interacted on the phone. I would call with what was expected to be good...

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Would have left early

This would no doubt have been another leave work early episode. When will I ever learn? I get through today with a new arsenal of nuclear strength meds. But I shouldn’t need them. I should be better than this. On the other...

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Not much

Not much time this day. The downtown express was a 12 minute wait. I did not flirt with the Fort Totten woman today. Was not on my game. Still uneasy in a way about flirting with someone when I do not know what she looks like...

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Dicked over my ConEd Smart Meters

Putting the word “Smart” in front of a product or service inevitably makes it stupid. From my direct experiences I think Smart City? Think LinkNYC and its perpetual failures, failing up to the skies now with Link5G....

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I know why

There’s this one woman I’ve watched online. She’s a professional masturbator who, by any appearance, loves what she does. She seems to be there, on cam, every waking hour, slowly sucking a dildo or flashing her...

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Totten

The woman I’ve flirted with, not knowing what she looks like behind the mask but beholden to the muscular fingers and adroit mind, handed me a slip of paper and a pen and told me to “write it down!” I was ready...

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Swarms

I stopped making video of myself sleeping after the curiosity dried up. But lately I have to ask if I’m not sleep-thrashing like some kind of chupacabra land-devil. Pillows thrown across the room, sheets torn, I foggily...

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Carnival

Dreamland was a carnival. It started with timid conversation between myself and a woman I no longer talk to. She got sick of my shit a long time ago, and dropped me as a friend. She had, as I proudly boasted to many a peep,...

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Unmoored

I crossed paths with someone I’ve known off and on for maybe 6 or 7 years. Seems like a nice guy. We’re not buddies but we had some pretty deep conversations. He’s a good musician.We traded notes on where we...

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Subway babes

There are a few women on the subways I used to pay attention to. I know I still would if they had not all disappeared on me. It’s all about me, right. Me and my orbit.One woman I follow, lightly, through her blog and web...

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Time and Happiness

What Time Is It? What TIme Is Time?I woke up early, felt good without knowing why, and had to check multiple time pieces to be sure I had not slipped through some crackle in time.The thought was not completely without basis. My...

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Taken care of

I lived the dream almost exactly 20 years. From February 28, 2002, until January 14, 2022, I worked from home. Set my schedule, made my agendæ, lived a life many thought they craved. Believe you me, it’s not easy. You are...

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I know what time it is

I know what time it is. I don’t need no time piece, I don’t need no clock. i don’t need to thing to do it tickery hickery tock. Sands of time crawl through my veins, seconds and minutes and hours the same....

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The Punctuationalists

“The Punctuationalists can go hyphenate themselves.” That is the latest salvo from my ever-ending brainchew of a concept I don’t think there will ever be time enough to articulate. In this saga-agas I see a...

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Morning mental stramble (NSC)

Tomorrow I don’t know. Where. What. Why. Someone mentioned that I looked like I’d gotten some sun. Indeed, I got a little burned from Sunday’s jaunt to Rockaway and Riis. The white shirt I wore, I think,...

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Highlights

First call of the day  was someone saying “YOU’RE AN ASSHOLE.” I don’t remember what I said but his response was “ANYONE WHO WOULD ANSWER THIS PHONE IS AN ASSHOLE.” That was a zesty start to...

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A Structured Life? Yes, Please.

I started writing a story with this title, but took it to a different editing space. It’s not for this. This is my morning mental stramble, pecked into existence from my desk, which is not always the same spot. I like...

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