I feel trapped in this job. No desire to do it anymore. Going through the motions feels futile. I am empty inside, everything in me has drained away. I see sweat and grime under my fingernails and swear I’m bleeding,...

In fact it went perfectly. The new Saturday commute has me connecting from the N to the R on the same platform, with only a 3-4 minute wait for the R and no stairs to climb up or down. The R was more crowded than anticipated but...

It can’t be any real mystery. Diet is everything. Today I feel limber and lithe. I don’t hate being here. I don’t hate being alive. I don’t feel like a burden on those around me. Yesterday was another...

I felt like I was building a secret museum yesterday. A collection of content so secret that no one will ever see it. It’s not scandalous, at least not by my reckoning. But it is what I envisioned when I started...

Dreamed I was tasked with sorting out a bag of apples left behind by a girlfriend 8 years ago. The apples were mostly rotten but the grannysmiths held their skin together. One apple was crawling with some kind of worm or maggot....

Again, it’s like I found a secret passageway. The W from Astoria to Cortlandt is my new path to work, non-stop, seats always available, but only on weekdays. The route ends at Whitehall, which I think is only one or two...

I think it’s been about a month since it ended. I did not keep her toothbrush hanging from the bathroom holster this long for any reason except oversight. I removed her bath towel from the inventory and sent it to laundry...

I am back to activasting my always-on recording devices that document the view outside the living room window, the activities occurring in my living room, me sleeping in the bedtoom, and my time spent in the shower. THe only...

It’s taken a while but I think I’ll settle on new routes to and from work. They take a little longer but I think it will be worth not having to make 1 or even 2 transfers. Today’s AM trek felt like I was in...

I think 4 days straight is the most I’ve taken off from this job. I may have done 5 days but I’m not sure. I’ve never really taken a vacation the way others do. I am quite sore today and not feeling...

Women are done with me?

Interesting article about Sexsomnia, a word I’ve never heard but the conditions assigned to its meaning are known to me. I knew a woman who talked often about a man she was with who fucked her while she was sleeping, and...

This cycle of life continues.

Someone at the workplace singled me out this week for the fact that he sees me walk and walk the walk around the office every day. He sees me getting my steps in and he commended me for it. I don’t know who he is or from...

I saw two items yesterday which, in a not-so-distant previous life, would have made my eyes and mouth water. One was a folder containg hundreds, possibly 1,000 35mm slides. They were Kodachrome but not the red frame. In fact,...

I blocked her number. I don’t think I’ve ever done that except for spam callers. But I don’t want to waste her time any more than I want her to waste mine. Thinking now about the shots across the bow. The...

The current batch of well-intentioned subway litanies discouraging people from being suicidal clickbait by riding on top of subway cars reminds me, inevitably, of the Florida license plate campaign called “ARRIVE...

It already is a shit day, starting with some epic nightmares that kept me solidly scared asleep, araid to wake up to this nightmare that felt too real, right up until 5:30. I had been hired to work on some sort of production or...

It seemed like a strange encounter at first. An uncrowded subway train, one man standing by a door reading off his phone when another man, walking half the distance of the car, holds his phone up for the other man to see as he...

Back at the office after 4 days away. In the 2-3/4 years I’ve been here I am yet to take what would formally qualify as a vacation. Most consecutive days I got away were 5, but mostly I get 3 or 4 days here and there. I...

Woke up this morning feeling fine, but the Saturday commute left me rattled and even a little sore. I don’t want to take another does of the panic pill but I just might. Woke up for some reason reflecting on the woman who...

Early on a Friday reminds me that, while I would never express the sentiment out loud, I really do feel a certain resentment over the fact that certain people are allowed to work from home a couple of days a week while the...

With my new shoes I no longer make a squeaking, kissing sound every other stpe I take across a linoleum or non-carpeted floor. I am proud of my stature. I no longer sound like a poorie who has not enough money to buy new shoes...

One of my Liszt bags vanished. Its disappearance is incomprehensible to me. How could it have happened? Where did it go? I’m talking about a bag purchased online, a reusable shopping/tote bag graced with an image of Franz...

That is what I feel like today. I am something smarmy. Took an extra half mg of the panic pill but something feels like it will wax and weave my brain matter today. I don’t know why. Slept well, almost too well, until...

At the C-Town on Hugh Grant Circle in Parkchester yesterday I spotted a price of $8 for a pound of FOXY brand strawberries. I’ve never seen strawberries priced so high. For about 2 years now a pound of strawberries has...

A topless woman was seen yesterday on Fulton street, just walking around, protecting her bald head from the sun with a flowery umbrella. I did a double take and abruptly looked away, chuckling at myself over the...

The sudden death of the Payphone Radio Shoutcast stream took me by surprise, to say the least. cheapshoutcast.com has been a rock solid reliable hosting platform for me for over 5 years. I remember one weekend of downtime, and...

Twice in the last few months I’ve experienced something I don’t remember ever occurring. Last night I went to sleep early, about 6:30pm, after a very exhausting day navigating the medical system. I woke up at about...

I am poor because I choose poverty. I am a poorie. If I subsist that satisfies me. I like electronic toys and gadgets and have indulged in those expenses in the past, but not anymore. I am unable to contribute to the economy in...

Sockless at work. A first for me. White people don’t like to show their feet, as a Romanian woman once extolled unto me. I don’t need the discomfort or the extra layer. Still, I surveyed this workplace and found that...

Lots of people sleeping on the 4 train today. More than I’m used to seeing. Maybe they stand out more because it’s Saturday and less crowded, or maybe it’s because I switched subway cars twice on the ride...

I have a theory that the only subject anyone ever really talks about is food. Even when they are not explicity describing something like the new hot sauce at White Castle, I think someone discussing a scheduling conflict at...

I spotted an unusual job listing in the piano world. Being a pianist is an asset but it’s more about schmoozing with wealthy customers and institutions. Pianos are not for the poor. They are trophies, or glossy furniture...

Watching an old video of myself playing a recital, live event, people gathered voluntarily to inspect and discuss… I have not watched it again in recent weeks but somehow it surfaced in my head today, while waiting to...

Dreamed last night my sister had a son or daughter named Jing-Ding Ding and a single bedbug in her house. It did not look like a bedbug to me but that was Jing-Ding’s verdict on the species/genus/phyla/whatever of this...

what happened? I arrived at 6pm, next thing I knew it was 1:30pm the next day. Or so it seemed in the moment. I was awake earlier, around 10am, which is already dangerously off-routine for me. I had fallen off the bed and my...

Working. I like working. I like busy. But is it the right thing for me? Paycheck to paycheck, a salary that puts me well below the New York City poverty line, no ambition or realistic scenario would have me leave New York for...

Yesterday’s threat of rain sent my daily constitutional into the subways and the much-loathed Oculus. Fulton Street station is pretty sprawling, with the 2/3 lines over on William Street to the R/W on Cortlandt. I’ve...

Being insatiable has its prices. She complains-doesn’t-complain about the pain. She sent what sounds like any dude’s text message from a dream. And it is. She wanted me to know she has trouble walking now after our...

That is a common greeting here on Friday’s, even though many people who say those words or else respond affirmatively to it work the weekend. I wish the people in this room would cease their conversation, their petty,...

Once again, a post title that I don’t know why. I have nothing to say about changeling, which I initially spelt without the necessary “e”. I’d like to change myself. Swap myself into someone else’s...

I don’t know why I called this post “The last thing.” I had some sad dreams last night. Very vibrant and scary in their way. In one I woke up to find I had a telephone device embedded in my ear. I was unaware...

Dreamed my right kneecap was a rotary device that was removable, opening access to what I do not know. Knee juice? Knee gnomes? I was reminded of a dream from high school involving another student at the school, someone I had...

I started playing a video game yesterday. For a brief, deeply cynical and sarcastic moment, I heard a voice deep inside me squeal “I LOVE THIS GAME SO MUCH. LLLLLLLLOOOOOVE!!!” It’s not really true. The...